The Lint Ball

taking a break...

2008-03-13T13:40:00.001-04:00

Okay, so I'm a big liar. I am not keeping up with this blog very well, all due to preggo. I've got a preggo blog going, and since I'm obsessed with finding out if I am pregnant (testing March 21) I'm not much good for anything else.

Sorry so Late!

2008-02-26T12:40:00.003-05:00

I had about given up on this blog and a whole lot of other things lately, after our last IUI failed. Yes, another failed IUI. But we are trying again, and things are looking up. Ah, the eternal optimist. Dreams of Tiny kiddies still dance in our heads. My partner says we will keep on trying and I keep focused on that.

I was just going though one of those periods when I felt like a failure at everything, and reading SVH books doesn't help.

By the way, what's gotten me through today? Reading claudiasroom.blogspot.com, who writes the BEST reviews of Babysitters Club books. I read every single one of those bastards until I went to high school.

Okay, getting back into the swing of things isn't so bad.

SVH: Recap Volume 9 (Racing to the Projects)

2008-02-08T08:52:00.000-05:00

This one was hard to get through. I don't know how I did it the first time, and actually liked it. I liked it then because it had Lila in it, and she was an old fave. Mostly because she had daddy issues (of course then nominating her for classic lesbian stereotype #2, no other man is good enough for me besides my daddy!) but now twenty years later it's total crap. The basic plot is that Roger Barrett has this mega unexplainable crush on Lila, but she'll never go for him because he shops at Walmart and works as a janitor. Apparently he has to support his family. Well, let me tell you kid, you could find jobs much more flexible and making more money a whole lot easier. But then nobody accused good ol'Rog of being the brightest crayon in this cracked up SVH box.
Well, getting past this boohoo, we sail into the big Jessica subplot. It seems that she starts off trying to be a big bad business gal and work in her daddy's office. She says she wants to be a lawyer for HRC someday, but nobody believes her. She thinks the world of law is all glamourous because all the lawyers in the valley look like ken dolls. Oh, and the two women lawyers look like they have fun too. Because it's all about the fun for jess.
So there's this big annual race, and the whole town goes big for it (in my hometown nobody went to track events, but what ev'). They've got a hardon because the winner of the big meet will get a scholarship to Sweet Valley College. Um, so there's a Sweet Valley College AND a Sweet Valley University? Just asking.
This book is so lame, the whole freaking thing is gay. Jessica goes for a younger guy who works across the hall at an ad agency who's only 15 (because we all know repressed lesbians love that young boy look).
Lila wants a piece of Roger when he wins the race in his STREET CLOTHES, but he has none of it, because although before Lila almost needed a restraining order on him he was stalking her so bad, now when she's all over him he goes for the hippie douche buddy of his, Olivia.
I hated this one so bad, I won't devote any more time to it. Seriously, read this book and you will weep over time lost.

Winoka meets Goonies

2008-01-31T08:39:00.000-05:00

Last night my partner and I were continuing our Little House marathon, when I noticed something crazy. The cook who gets fired from the hotel the Ingalls are suddenly managing is played by none other than Mama Fratelli of the Goonies! What a small world. This show knocks me out. It's loaded with people you squint and recognize.
By the by, Little House jumps shark with Season Five. No joke. For some reason my partner can tolerate the newer ones better than the old, but I think it's because they are so outrageous.

SVH: Recap Volume 8 (Ball Breaker)

2008-01-27T09:13:00.000-05:00

Okay, I will now announce I am going to be reviewing SVH out of order now, instead rereading what I can get my hands on. I picked up #8 Heart breaker for a dollar, and I was robbed.
This one stinks! I can't imagine what I thought the first time I read it. I don't need to work real hard on making it gay, either. My central thesis, that Jessica is a repressed lesbian of the worst stereotype is flourishing with each book reviewed. Her lack of compassion or real interest in men is well represented in Heart breaker, as she teases and taunts Bill who has a huge crush on her (really it's because of his dead ex-girlfriend who happens to look like Jessica).
Jessica has no interest in seeing him until 'quiet, shy' DeeDee Gordan comes on the scene wanting him. Then all of a sudden Jess is all over it. Because truly, it's all about the girls.
There's this lameass side plot about some old friend of Todd's who happens to be a mega hot model returning to SVH, and Elizabeth's afraid Todd will be all over that. Elizabeth, of course, knows not what she says, "Obligated? Jess, have you really looked at Patsy? (because a southern rural name is the best choice, Pascal) Can you imagine any guy feeling obligated to be nice to her?" The look on Jessica's face in this moment would have been priceless, because Jessica's absent reaction, and only half-interest in Elizabeth's plight suggests she can see Elizabeth's point quite clearly.
The main focus in this book is exploring what a good actress Jessica is. That's right, she is damn good. She can throw overemotional theatrics all day long, because she's acting 24/7!!!! She's playing the role of a straight woman, and not very well I might add.
I am a good feminist, but I feel bad for the guys Jessica dates. She blue balls them all, and as you will see in my review of Wrong Kind of Girl, she's a hypocrite about it. She teases them, leads them into thinking they have a chance, and then after a few chaste kisses (she seems to secretly loath the feel of a beard on her chin) kicks them to the curb.
Bill of course in this one looks like Luke Wilson, and it appears he has his acting abilities because when DeeDee's father comes to see them practice their play, he says he saw someone with immense talent perform, but at the time won't say who. It's all lame, but Jessica gets it hard thinking he's talking about her, which he should have been, but then again how many repressed good looking blondes does Hollywood need?
Lila, who's been blandorama lately, is all over Jess that she's the hottest thing ever. An entire giant side note, Elizabeth must know something's wrong with Jessica. That's why Elizabeth gets bent out of shape when Todd says something negative about her sister. Because they must all protect the precious from herself.
So much of this one is from the perspective of lame ass Bill that I found myself skimming ahead. Pascal sucks at writing from a male perspective, let me tell you. They all read like neutered dogs. Also, what's up with the Wakefield house? It's weird that the girls act like they are just renting rooms. I'm glad they've got chores, since unlike most sixteen year olds they are too lame to have jobs, but their parents just float in and out, never fixing dinner or doing anything more than staring blankly into space. When I picture a scene with the parents in it, they stand there like my old ken and barbie dolls.

It's Saturday, Confessions Time

2008-01-26T13:17:00.000-05:00

Okay, I have had friends asking, when are you going to blog about Little House? And, to be honest, my partner and I have been running a marathon all month long (we are on disk three of season three) but I'm having trouble making it gay. Well, not really, it's very easy to make LHOP gay, but it's not as fun. I guess it's cause ... wiping a tear... I secretly love LHOP too much to tease it so publicly. So for now, it's SVH that's getting the treatment. I think I am also going to review some of my favorite books from my early teens, because thinking back, there were quite a few that didn't need any assistance in making them gay!

SVH: Recap Volume 4 (They Play Powerfully)

2008-01-23T08:41:00.001-05:00

This is the MOST gay of all the covers, and confirms my theory that in fact Jessica is in love with herself through her twin sister Elizabeth. There is something playful in Elizabeth's expression, but Jessica is oddly serious, lips wet with desire... this cover reads as a porn magazine. I think subconsciously it did for me, two decades ago!
So here's the gay plot. If you recall in volume 3, Jessica was teasing Robin and leading her on, letting her do all her chores for her etc. Now if you didn't know this already, quite often very attractive repressed lesbians will take an 'ugly' under their wing, enjoying the female attention, without arousing any suspicion, because no decent looking girl would ever be involved with such an 'ugly'. (See ug/oh theory). Also, harassing and being cruel to an unfortunate would make Jessica feel better about herself because her inner soul is a hollow shell, so she gets great joy from seeing Robin suffer from the hazing process.
By the way, weirdoville with this whole sorority thing. I know there were exclusive clubs in high school, but never a sorority. That's in college, Pascal. But I see where she was going with this. How else could she set up a pattern of exclusivity other than the most snobby 'exclusive' cult, that of the sorority?
Of course, Robin is blinded by love, so she goes through with all these lame ass hazing stunts, like having to run around a track (egads!) and go to the beach in a bikini (I would NEVER have done this one- this is where Robin is a MORON). She finally catches on when Elizabeth of all people talks Bruce into taking Robin to the dance. Because she wasn't explicit enough that he actually had to be her date ALL night, he dumps her off with a QUEEN MARY (How freaking gay! Of all the fatty jokes, Queen Mary?!?) joke. So anyway, Robin finally catches on that they have been making fun of her, and Jessica has personally betrayed her.
Robin begins to act suicidal (Hello- gay teens are more likely to commit suicide! Serious subject!) because she was so into Jessica and feels betrayed. She should, Jessica freaking BLACKBALLS her. Hee hee, black ball.
Robin disappears to a fat camp, then returns running voluntarily around the track, and a day or two or more go by before Elizabeth notices that Robin has begun to loose weight.
Jess gets all furtive here, and I know they are trying to spin it that she feels guilty, but what most folks don't know is that she feels guilty because she got her kicks off the poor girl, and she's freaked out that Robin will blow her cover.
They'd always talked about what a pretty face Robin had, so when boom Robin's skinny (gee if it were only that easy) her ass is a hot ticket. Now I must say that Robin was an accidental gay with Jessica, as her 'ugly'. She is not gay, and now that she is attractive the world is her oyster, so to speak.
As SVH is the most screwball high school ever, they are having a beauty contest, and Jessica looses to Robin. Not because Robin told everybody Jess is gay, she didn't need to. Everybody has that sixth sense with these kinds of girls, and Jess is treated like a pariah for awhile, along with the rest of the sorority girls, not for their cruel hazing, but because of a BLACK BALL.
The side plot involves Lila. I never noticed how the first few books show very little of Lila. Of course, Lila has a daddy complex and is a shoplifter to get his attention. I won't say how many lesbians I met who were in this position in high school. The weird thing is, she gives all her loot to Jessica, who of course thinks Lila bought it all for her, because of course she thinks everybody's in love with her. Although it would be hot if they got together.
It is as if the 'Ugliness' of having an overweight character was too much to bear for the beautiful world of Sweet Valley. That's the only reason I can come up with as to why Pascal did what she did to Robin. Holly shit, according to the standards of Frannie at six feet tall and a size twenty I'd be a beast. This whole Power Play is truly a struggle between Elizabeth and Jessica, because the entire world revolves around them, even the life and death of a fattie.

Sad Day for Favorite TV Sets

2008-01-23T08:38:00.000-05:00

When I was eighteen my parents dragged me to Disney World with them, at the time I wouldn't have minded going, but not with them as I was wretchedly going through the coming out process and my parents were wretchedly denying obvious gayness. When I saw the Golden Girls house on the backstage studio tour ride at Disney/MGM studios it was the highlight of the trip.
Sadly I just read somewhere that the house was among those destroyed in Summer 2003, as Disney bulldozed the homes of "Residential Street" to make room for its "Lights, Motors, Action!" attraction.

How lame is that.

Of course, my all time favorite set, the Little House on the Prairie set, burned during the California wildfires. Tragic, as I always wanted to go on a vacation to see the Little House in person.

Cabbage Creepout!

2008-01-21T12:08:00.000-05:00

At work today I passed a brochure stand,I was knocked out to see a 'ticket to fun' brochure for Babyland. Anybody who owned a cabbage patch kid at one point or another will recall long ago before the internet 'Santa' would really have to hunt around to find one of these yarn-headed beauties.
There is an actual place called Babyland General Hospital Butt f*ck Georgia, where you can take the oath of adoption in person and tour the place, all kinds of crazy. Who the f*ck knew.

Mall Madness

2008-01-21T09:11:00.000-05:00

Okay, so last Saturday I was so depressed after turning up not pregnant AGAIN, I went to run a few errands. My partner wanted a new pair of jeans, and for myself? I was on the hunt to purchase a new TV show. Every time I'm really down I buy a season of a favorite TV Show. As you may have read in a prior post, I ended up getting the Golden Girls.
Originally I was looking to get a season of Bernie Mac or Everybody Hates Chris, because I love these shows. I actually stepped foot in a mall to look for them. They were way overpriced, and I went with that $14.99 Golden Girls. So I am in a mall early in the morning with all the Walkers, pimply teenage boys, and the Elderly, who on a snowy day have nothing better to do, it was depressing.
It reminded me of a game I got when I turned eleven, during my big Babysitters Club craze. I never really got into the whole mall thing, but the game seemed fun at the time. Now I realize how much time was wasted in a black hole of mindless teenage girl black hole shopping frenzy. "Sale at the Shoe Store!" The game would yell.
What a load of consumerist crap!
Nothing like going to the mall to pick up your latest copy of SVH and BSC just to return home and play a game about being at the FREAKING MALL!!! It just makes me want to have a frozen coke and soft pretzel...

SVH: Recap Volume 3 (We Get Burned)

2008-01-20T13:40:00.001-05:00

"It didn't take long to hear the sounds she dreaded hearing: the sounds of two people whispering breathlessly as the leaf-covered ground crackled under the weight of their bodies. Elizabeth stopped abruptly, hoping they hadn't heard the crunching sound of her own footsteps. She was eavesdropping on a passionate moment, and it made her uncomfortable. She started to flash back to last summer, when she had bounded into the Hershey bar only to find both Jessica and Lila with their swimsuits off. Later Jess claimed they were checking their tan lines, but still Elizabeth was left with the same queer feeling as she was right now. But what could she do? She had to save Jessica from herself."

Okay, so everybody knows that this is as racy as the ol' school SVH books get. Playing With Fire, ooooh the double entendre, as Jessica goes on a rampage of repressed teenage sexuality, hating herself so much she allows all sorts of awful domestic abuse to occur with the creepy Bruce Patman.
The more I reread about this S.O.B. the more I loathe his rapist ass. I think he's got the hots more for the guys on the tennis courts than he does for any woman, and that's why he treats them all like shit. I've met quite a few good looking rich gay men who betrayed a few Patman traits in their youth. Believe me, personal experience talking here. By the by, he's wearing lipstick. And Jessica's busting loose in a Target Brand pink t-shirt. Because Lila hasn't started stealing for her, yet.
My theory that straight women will eat their own is proudly on display here, as almost every attractive woman in Sweet Valley has dated this dickwad, yet none of them seem to learn from their mistakes, nor is he taken down in a wave of malicious gossip the way they would do a fellow female. You'd think his reputation would be hurt by raping and emotionally destroying simpleton Sweet Valley women, but instead it seems to be enhanced.

There are two other side plots, that of the 'Queen Mary' Robin who has got it bad for Jessica, and another plot about the Idiots, I mean the Droids, the only band this loser school hires for it's dances, because they deserve so much better than the DJ we always had.

I can't wait to review the next one, Power Play, that has major hot lesbian twin action on the cover, and is filled with interesting very Non-PC names for people who are overweight in it.

The conclusion is lame when she sees Bruce with another girl. She just throws pizza and soda at him and lets the air out of his tires. Gee, you've cheated, abused and practically raped me, but all I'm gonna do is let the air out of your tires. Sounds to me like she wanted to be rid of him... because we all know that your self-loathing homosexual cannot commit to people of the opposite sex for more than half a SVH novel.

Gay Points of Interest:
* Jessica thinks girls in cheerleading uniforms are hot
* She's way athletic which means of course she's a repressed gay.
* When she's making out with Bruce, it seems like Bruce is that last thing on her mind. She doesn't seem to be put-off by his sexual advances for any moral reasons, rather it's simply because he has a biological penis and this of course is not what she's really looking for.
* To 'impress' Bruce (or turn him off on purpose) Jessica goes to this store that sells clothes librarians in the 1940s wore. Librarians... Lesbian... Jessica!

Being a Golden Girl

2008-01-20T12:06:00.000-05:00

My favorite television show as a child was the Golden Girls. I stayed up late to watch it, I followed it to Lifetime, and yesterday I purchased another season that was on sale for an amazing freaking $14.99.
I would sit two feet from the set on the floor, leaning back on my hands, to catch every single one of their jokes. Sure, I liked all those other crappy shows, but GOLDEN GIRLS ruled.
So last night while I was sewing new throw pillows I did a marathon and nothing can cheer a gal up like elderly sexy jokes, no kidding. The lesbian episode in the second season is tops, the one where Dorothy (of course it would be Dorothy) has an old friend from college who's a big ol' lesbo who's partner has died. Rose and the lesbian hook up, without rose realizing it, and every time I watch this one I think, 'I bet Dorothy wishes she'd hung around with this one a little more instead of marrying that loser'.
Another theme I love is when they interact with 'Young People'. Like when Blanche's grandson comes to visit and he's a punkass loser, or when Dorothy teaches a young giant douchebag Mario López how not to be a tool, but he's deported anyway.
And how about them early celeb appearances? Mario López, George Clooney, Arsenio Hall...
Rewatching the pilot, there was this character Coco at total stereotype of a gay man who was the ladies' cook, but they kicked him off the show after the pilot. Many of Sophia's famous zingers and one liners were originally written for Coco. I liked coco, but I think they were afraid to have a gay man on the TV, because in the pilot each time he spoke, the camera would actually move to another character. Also, he was constantly drifting off the set.
The Golden is getting me through.

Depression....

2008-01-20T08:40:00.000-05:00

This round didn't take. Aunt Flo knocked on my door this morning, after being five days late. I have never been more than a day late so you can imagine how pregnant I was feeling. I would have felt more pregnant if I hadn't had a blood test two days ago to confirm the fact I was not pregnant. Since my period was so late, and the pee sticks were coming up negative, they had me go in and spend 64 dollars just to be certain (and so I wouldn't drive everybody crazy any longer).
Sonofabitch.
We will try again of course but in the meantime here I am with these freaking cramps FROM HELL!!!!!!!!!
and we have no baby yet.
I know it will happen, but I just can't believe I have this label of infertility now. It's killing me. Goofy teenagers fooling around in a backseat turn up pregnant, and I have verifiable two eggs and a bucket of top quality sperm in the same womb at the same time for like twelve hours, and I can't get pregnant.
Sonofabitch.

Gay.

2008-01-17T14:16:00.000-05:00

'Nuff said.

images courtesy of dlisted.com

SVH: Recap Volume 2 (The REAL Secrets)

2008-01-16T10:00:00.000-05:00

"I am telling you, Enid is a lesbo. No, really!... How do I know?" Jessica pauses to wrap the thick cord between her fingers, panicked, "I just do. I can sense these things."
Jessica's face goes white, "How dare you say that about me!" Her blue-green eyes begin to flash, flipping her hair over her shoulder, "Well, KD is kinda cute...."
"Jess!?" Elizabeth gasped.

This is how Volume 2, Secrets, begins if you are very skilled at deciphering code.
The second book in the series, they were just getting started. Here's some gay key points:
Enid went to Juvenile Hall in her youth, (because she's an old hag now) and had herself the biggest, stoniest butch lover, who was best friends with the guy George who got her busted in the first place.
The greatest irony is that this is not the big source of gossip. The big source of gossip is the fact that Enid's been writing letters with George to keep tabs on her Butch Lover, who moved to NYC when she got out and is now working as a bouncer. Because everybody in this school gives two shits that the girl with the ugly name gets paper letters.
The real reason people are talking of course is because they all know that Ronnie is an abusive SOB who will beat the shit out of her for talking to other guys, and they've got alot of money riding on whether or not it'll be both arms this time.
Now of course it is Jessica who outs Enid (see above conversation) because... because why? Because she thinks if everybody finds out about Enid's gayness it will deflect on her own. She wants to be Queen of the dance, and figures if she knocks this dork Enid who wouldn't even be nominated if it weren't a consolation prize for taking her share of the domestic violence pie, she can be queen... with Bruce.
Bruce Patman of course is the PERFECT cover boyfriend, and Jessica's been yanking it some time to get with him. He's got money, he's abusive too, and she will have to stay at home alot of nights to wait for him to call (avoiding unnecessary hetero social activity).
Now hypocrite Elizabeth of course ruins her plans because she goes around spreading a rumor that Jessica really wants to get with Winston, and everybody should vote for Winston. Again, this rumor-mongrel of a gal holds some mystical power over everybody and gets them to do it. Jessica is furious, not because Winston's a bad guy, but he's not the magic BRUCE... I mean, Jessica knows if she's stuck with Winston her cover will be busted for sure because he's a mostly normal guy and he's expect her to act like a normal girl. Whereas with Bruce, she knows he'll treat her like shit and she doesn't have to get to close.
Gay Highlights:
*The book opens as Jessica gets her dress zipped up by Cara, for some reason they were naked together. Jessica's whining about being thrown into the pool in the last book, and Cara tells her how cute she was.
*Elizabeth and Enid share a bed
*Jessica finds herself under the scrutiny of MS. Dalton, a tall slender woman in her twenties whose wide set hazel eyes regarded her with 'knowing amusement', as all lesbians know each other.

Life as a Sweet Valley High Writer

2008-01-13T11:49:00.000-05:00

Have you ever seen the episode of South Park, when the boys discover who the real writers of Family Guy are? We are closet South Park fans, and this particular number had us laughing our assets off! The whole show has this long and convoluted plotline, but the basic point is that the writers for Family Guy are MANATEES. That's right, they are not human. The mammals live in a large tank swimming to one side to pick up "idea balls" and put them into a hole on the other side. Each ball has the name of a person, a verb, or a pop-culture reference written on them. When the balls travel down a shaft, a group of five of them forms a Family Guy joke.

I dislike Family Guy very much, thank-you, but I think the South Park guys stole the MANATEE idea from Sweet Valley High!!! Only, it's not manatees writing SVH, it's a lazy sexed up house cat. The writers go to a back alley somewhere and meet an overweight lazy cat.

Just kidding, I don't think it's as professional as all that. I am just finishing volume two, and to be honest, I have absolutely no clear idea how I ever read these books to begin with. They are shit. If you cut out the same descriptive bull that is in each of them (Blonde, blue-eyed bullshit)there's only about twelve pages left, no kidding. The same tired ass descriptions of loser Enid in each book, I guess they figured we learned by repetition. Besides, it's easier to get a cat to cough up twelve pages...

image courtesy of simonsays.com

Ikea, My Love

2008-01-12T10:15:00.000-05:00

We adore Ikea. We are making a pillgrimage rather soon, as a matter of fact. It looks like somebody else loves them as much as we do. Comedian (this label is in question, though this idea was nifty) Mark Malkoff asked IKEA if he could live in a room in a New Jersey store for a week while his real apartment was being fumigated. Who doesn't love those seamless moving images on the Ikea website that show organized hip living spaces.
Oh
I love Ikea. I can believe they said yes, because they are a cool store. If I had to pick a store to live in, it would be Ikea. Well, I'd have to bring my own eats, because of the whole celiac thing, but it'd be all good. The problem is that I'd want to take the furniture with me when I left.

Preggo Update

2008-01-11T12:45:00.000-05:00

So I had my bloodwork done yesterday, and I DID ovulate this time with a progestrone number of 27. Is this good or bad I do not know. I was told this cannot predict pregnancy, so I still have to wait until wednesday to test (if I don't start my period beforehand- I am due between today and tuesday). Wish me Luck!!!

SVH: Recap Volume 1 (Double Lovin')

2008-01-07T12:38:00.000-05:00

I don't know where to begin. It's even better than I remember. The book opens with Jessica in false hysterics over being fat. "Jess looked in the mirror and saw a picture of utter heartbreak and despair. But what was actually reflected in the glass was the most adorable, most dazzling sixteen year old imaginable." Francine Pascal is in love with Jessica and that is why the first three pages of the book are dedicated to the description of the twins' physical appearances. Literally at each turn of the page your smacked in the face with another adoring comment.

The entire purpose of this book is to show us that women will compete over men but there is no real feeling behind the attempts, because it's all about the competition with other women. Well, that's what it's like for Jessica, who is the stereotypical repressed lipstick lesbian. She is also unfortunately the stereotype neurotic egomanical lesbian who is looking for a gal just like herself. She is in fact in love with herself. Like her variety of women, she uses men as a distraction, an excuse. A source of competition with the people who really matter, other women.

I have deduced that Elizabeth is in fact not a lesbian. She is not overly competitive over men in this episode, as we find her drooling over the biggest tool in the school, Todd. Unhealthily obsessed with the poor guy, he's digging her too, because nosy annoying people have an uncanny ability to sniff each other out. Let's just say I hope she's not gay because the gang don't need none of that.

I'd forgotten how much Lila reminds me of Veronica in the Archies. Or how Bruce reminds me of Reggie Mantle. But I digress. Right away the foundation of classist behavior is set when Jessica for no apparent reason (unless you understand this type of lesbian and have read many lesbian pulp novels) goes after the "Bad Boy" Rick Andover, with his hooded eyes and fast car. Jessica obviously went for it with him as a distraction not because 'rod' Todd wasn't available, it was solely as a punishment and source of excitement, as this late fifties lesbian pulp novel stereotype is known to do. Then all of a sudden she is shocked and scared when he tries to get it on with her? Get her drunk? Um, sneaking out in slutty clothes isn't what I would consider a turn off. I'm not going so far as to say she was asking for it, but I think subconsciously she was searching for excitement and distraction from her TRUE FEELINGS.

Sidebar note- Their weird brother Steven who is such a loser he comes home from college every weekend is dating a member of the proletariat- a working class family of alcoholic people who actually have sex. Oh NO!!!

No one, not even the illustrious Sweet Valley Wakefields, are as naively out to lunch as Jessica pretends to be. IT IS ALL AN ACT. I will present the gay evidence from Double Love, and look forward to presenting a complete profile by the end of this series that Jessica Wakefield is indeed a repressed lesbian that deserves outing!

Gay Points of Interest:
*On page two Jess is having her own wet dream, hovering her face an inch from Elizabeth's. It's strange because who hovers their face an inch from their sister's when they are sixteen?
"Only thing duller are my eyes. Look at that color Liz," She poked her face an inch from her sister's nose and fluttered long lashes"...
Since she is in love with herself she secretly physically longs for Elizabeth, if only Elizabeth could have a personality transplant. The whole moment feeds into my theory that this series started because Pascal had a lesbionic twin fetish.

*Elizabeth has a new outfit. It is a 'tuxedo', that we are told looks better on Jessica (of course!!! Overtly feminine women in tuxedos are soooo gay!!!)

*"Jessica felt a tiny twinge of panic. Why was Todd ignoring her? Had something happened to the Wakefield magic? Impossible! (their italics) She was still the most fantastic girl in school." Because of course it's about how fantastic she is, and has nothing to do with him. She is only interested in his status.

*Jessica is a classic tease, and if you learn anything from lesbian literature and movies (especially those made by non-gays) you learn that repressed emotionally unstable bipolar lesbians are always teases. She wants to be wild an out there with guys and have this big social status, but at the same time she is disgusted by hetero sex, so she pulls back. Believe me, it ain't 'cause she's so holier than thou that she's waiting till marriage.

*Some could question Elizabeth's description of the woman their dad is supposedly having an affair with as bi-curious, but I would say it's the author's lesbian tendencies showing.

*The "Class Clown Stereotype Who's not funny" Winston Egbert is in love with Jessica, and when he talks about Jessica, as Elizabeth says, his voice gets all serious. Because of course, according to contemporary sources, the class clown always goes for the repressed lesbian.

2008-01-06T15:22:00.000-05:00

While I don't need any assistance to make this picture gay, my curiosity bubbles over when I see aspects of American culture that are obviously gay yet everyone walks around denying gaydom. By the way, don't these two look alike????

images courtesy of perezhilton.com and lwordonline.com

Poop in Tub Envy

2008-01-06T09:52:00.000-05:00

I wish I had this problem. It appears the little Etheridge twins have been pooping during bathtime. As gross as it is, I am having poop-in-tub envy.
'They like to poop in the tub, which is slowly getting to put a damper on bath time. Three times in the last five days. Inevitably, they get in the tub, and are splish-splashing.... when suddenly we will hear a little grunt, a whimper, and then a little face will pop over the tub.

If it's Miller -- his face will be full of jest and screeching joy...If it's Johnnie Rose, she seems to understand pooping in the tub isn't the long-run goal, and she gets sad.

Either way, though, we figured out the first time, that regardless of anyone's feelings about the floating poop -- get them BOTH out immediately. Because if you just lift out the pooper, the other twin is left with a very interesting, floating new "toy" -- which they will reach for and try to "smoosh" immediately.

So bath time has a new ritual: when someone poops, I grab the pooper, and praise them and dangle them over a sink (it's important to praise the pooping, as I don't want the poopers to get pooping anxiety).... and Honey [Melissa] catches the poop.

She's such a great poop catcher -- she doesn't even flinch. In fact, she said she takes the chance to get a good look at the poop -- "It's important for a mother to have a good understanding of her child's poop. Poop is related directly to health." Yeah. Well. She can be the poop/rock star mom. I'll be the vacuuming/laundry mom.

And they've been walking for months now. MONTHS. They're only 14 months old. People see them run around the mall, and freak out, thinking they are little robots or dolls. Yeah, I tell 'em. They're those new "I Poop Like A Real Baby" dolls.'

image courtesy of celebrity-babies.com
text courtesy of celebrity-babies.com

UNITS: Not the G type

2008-01-05T14:00:00.000-05:00

Do y'all recall a fantastic clothing line called Units? I saw a picture of my sister and myself at Christmas '87 and we were busting loose in the 'contemporary knitwear', which included stretchy bands of fabric you could use as headbands, waistbands that looked really cool with the t-shirt flared out at the bottom, jumpers, dresses, stretchy knit stirrup pants, everything you could imagine made out of knit. Apparently they were made as an anecdote to the sweatpants casuals. I guess stretch pants with stirrups on them that were worn over or under the sock are just as comfortable as those sweats but much more Sexy Cool.

Triple Threat

2008-01-04T09:42:00.000-05:00

L Word is the new Little House on the Prairie. This is not a joke. The two programs have many things in common. For instance, They are both produced by an egomaniac. Both are unrealistic, fun to mock, and sappy. The L Word is sexier, but Charles does run around with his shirt off.
The season finale for season 4 of LWord was classic Little House. Produced, directed, and written by Ilene Chaiken, Ilene has become the new triple threat producer to not only jump sharks, but also ruin good things, which not only ticks Martha Stewart off but also screws up the show, A La good ol' Landon. It was annoying when Landon tried to do it all by directing, producing and writing an episode because he always messed it up- juggling too many balls in the air.
Why oh god why does Chaiken think she can do better? Why does she insist on putting her stamp all over everything? You always know when these two wrote an episode- most of the time it sucks. At least Landon could act, and very good at that. Chaiken created the big L, but it's best when she stays away.
We finally made it to the final episode for season 4, and believe me, it's got Chaiken's mark all over it. Depressing lame plotlines, ruining great characters, and giving actors who don't suck the boot. (Hello? Chaiken? Guess What? Hot characters like Paige played by actresses who can actually act should not get the boot.) Chaiken gives all the good characters people actually like the screw job, meanwhile shining the camera on the ones we hate (hello? Nobody likes Tina. Really. And Chaiken's tainting Kit as well with this Bogus/Angus).
Her writing sucks for characters like Max, Paige, Alice, and 'Brit'. It's the twilight zone and Landon's at it again! Watch out! The TRIPLE THREAT!!!

images courtesy of:
power-up.net
imavision.com

Preggo...

2008-01-04T09:24:00.000-05:00

I know it's been a few days since I last posted, but for good reason, believe me. I have been saddled up next to an ultrasound machine for the past two days, but hopefully two weeks from now on the eighteenth I will have exciting news! Fingers and toes crossed. I don't want to jinx anything, but I think I should be preggo this time or next time for sure.

Oh, and guess what? It just so happens on Wednesday we were trekking in a freaking blizzard. And our house was an ice cube. no joke. We slid sideways out of our damn driveway. The things we do. Oh, well. If it takes, then we could tell the kid the donor was a snowman.

2007-12-31T14:55:00.000-05:00

Oh boy. Okay. Jodie's wife should never wear a dress. Please. She's not a bad looking gal, but some folks were just never meant to wear a dress. Please. Why do celebs insist on appearing a certian way? Why??? Jodie's not exactly a dress gal either. Drag queens look more comfortable.

image curtesy of www.ourchart.com

Iowa Caucus Smaucus

2007-12-31T12:32:00.000-05:00

I found this GENIUS statement, and I must agree. When did we start electing tools? Was Washington a Tool? And Lincoln, besides that pesky living with a man for three years and sharing his bed, was he a tool?

image courtesy of hydrangeasarepretty.blogspot.com/

L Word Season 4 Does Not Suck!

2007-12-30T08:45:00.001-05:00

They were all wrong. This is a public service announcement. Season 4 so far has been one of the best seasons. I am very disappointed in afterellen.com for their terrible reviews. I read scribegrrrl's reviews every week last season to keep up with what was going on until I could buy the season since we don't have cable. She shredded this season with off-base sarcastic comments, to the point that we almost didn't get this season.
I am glad we did.
The new additions to the cast were fantastic, I actually like Papi's character, although she was only created to be a foil for Shane, the 'I'm too cool to admit being a pimp' pimp. Ugh. I must be the only one who thinks Shane is overrated. I loath the whole greasy hair in the eyes crackhead fashion that is so popular. And side note- What's up with the gals pretending they are all under thirty? When they show up for that Cowboy Night at the Planet bullshit, they're looking a little tired and old.
My only complaints?
I wish they had brought Paige on to be with somebody else instead of Shane. She's way way hot, and a better actress than some of the permanent cast. Couldn't they set her up with an actual hot person, like Skylar Cooper (See Above Image), Ian Harvey, hell it would have been fabulous to see Paige with Helena or Tasha.
Poor Kit falls in the failing to act my age category. And of course I continue to loath Tina.
Why must they dress like fashion victims?
Why must ugly men like Bogus Angus appear?
Why must Jodi be a whiny artist?

If for no other reason than to see Last Picture Show Cybil Shepard go lesbo this season is worth the price, believe you me.
Pictures will be forthcoming.

Favorite Presents From Girlhood

2007-12-26T08:54:00.000-05:00

I got my Molly doll when I was nine years old. Molly used to be a sturdy girl who was toughing it out during the depression. Of course, this was back when the Pleasant company was going it alone, and the toys were not dumbed down.
For those who don't know, Pleasant Company was founded in 1986 by Pleasant T. Rowland who used to be an educator and was making dolls for girls with brains.
Unfortunately from the latest catalog the company no longer operates in this manner, since it's affiliation with Mattel or some such crap. Now they have doll 'spas', and hairstyling kits and horrible cheesy movies with lame best friend plotlines, where the girls are no longer resourceful but instead an opportunity for bad set designers to work on their historical portfolios.
I remember when I opened Molly's school set, with her little pencils, and school bag. Now they've got this silly Emily business, I don't know why they have to make every girl get a best friend. It's gay. I mean that literally.

Image courtesy of drtoy.com

D&G (I don't need to gay up) in 2007

2007-12-26T08:45:00.000-05:00

Dolce Gabanna 2007 Commercial
Uploaded by jaydelux352

More great ads of 2007

Sucky Coach Fears

2007-12-25T11:16:00.000-05:00

Okay, I am not so huge of a fan since I caught this news so late, but this past weekend I learned my alma mater has hired a new coach for the football squad. Apparently some alumni were so eager to be rid of Carr they forced him into retirement, and now we are stuck with some yokel looking douche. aRgH!

image curtesy of mgoblue.com

Merry Christmas in that Melancholy Way...

2007-12-25T09:22:00.000-05:00

Have a happy holiday, from my desk at work to whomever is reading this. I always get a little melancholy on Christmas because everything has been shiny and nice for a month and now it will go back to being ugly and dull. The saving grace for me this year is that I am due to ovulate on the first of the year, and here we go again! The merry-go-round of emotions, the whirling so much to do and then long wait to see if aunt flo returns.
This medication is making wheepy. Anyway, enjoy all your gluten containing food, and kiss your kiddies. Alright, alright, enough with the self-pity, to all a good night!

dying a slow death from the cuteness...

2007-12-24T15:02:00.000-05:00

sigh... sigh... sigh. People shouldn't be this good looking. This child is perfection. For real, yo.

"Just the Ten of Us" or Why Barbie Made Me Gay part II

2007-12-24T14:14:00.000-05:00

Did anybody else watch this show, Just the Ten of Us? It was a spin off from Growing Pains. It was never that good, especially when at the end of the second season the girls formed the 'Lubbock Babes' singing group and the show fell into a sleaze trap.
This program may have affected and/or added fuel to the flame of my queer barbies.(See the Barbie Made Me Gay Post) A family with SIX daughters? Come on. The show focused on the four older girls and their dad, this conservative catholic fat gym teacher who'd freak out if a guy even looked at one of them. He must have been happy when they all turned out gay! We had a TV in the basement, and I vaguely recall having this program on while we played with our barbies...
The show had everything I loved at that age- Blonde girls, California, ambigous repressed sexuality. Very SVH when you think about it! Simplistic airheads, nerds, and sluts. Oh, the memories of youth.

image curtesy of sitcomsonline.com

Canada Continues to Rock in 2007

2007-12-24T11:23:00.000-05:00

Gay Wedding in Canada
Uploaded by gmtl

Why did my year pass without seeing this on TV? Oh, yeah, that's right. I'm an american. :-( We don't do diversity.

Christmas Gifts Gone By...

2007-12-24T10:39:00.001-05:00

Damn, these meds are powerful. They've got me sentimentalizing toys I used to love. Namely, the Little People. Do y'all recall Little People? Damn I loved those things. They still have them, but they are goofy looking now to protect from the choking hazard.
I never choked!

Images curtesy of wishbookweb.com

Selling Out (Favorite Commercials of 2007)

2007-12-24T10:09:00.000-05:00

Peace On Earth (advert)
Uploaded by CindyPDX

Ok. I am a cheese ball. It might be the Clomid racing through my system, but this commercial makes me cry every time. All I want for Christmas 2008 is one of these.

Another Best Of Video for 2007

2007-12-24T10:06:00.000-05:00

Goth Barbie
Uploaded by omurap666

I OWN the orginal Rosie Barbie.

Little House: A Christmas I Wish They'd Forgotten

2007-12-24T08:37:00.000-05:00

About a week ago, I made my partner cozy up in our Little House bed for our annual Christmas Torture. Ever since I was a child, I have watched Little House on the Prairie: A Christmas They Never Forgot. You may ask why I would want to put us through such agony during the holidays, but I was raised Catholic, and misery IS fun. Crap, I hope I don't get any flack for that. But it's true! My sister and I spent years mocking this program, I don't want to quit now! I miss watching the gang get together YET again, all looking miserable only showing up for the money, except Charles and Laura who gain pleasure purely from the opportunity to warm in the spotlight.
Here's the deal why this episode is so particularly heinous. All the characters you can barely tolerate get to recap their favorite holiday moments resulting in a ton of cheesy recreations that suck A*S!!! They are ABSURD, entirely inaccurate from the original program, totally off character, inanely stupid. A horrible attempt to keep the show going but still I eat it up.
I can't even vote for the worst flashback because they are all sooo bad. Caroline's dad dies and while the bed's still warm her mom's got his best friend in it, we are supposed to get sentimental over a watch fob the new 'daddy' gives Caroline for xmas he'd gotten from her real dad many years ago.
Don't forget the completely inaccurate slavery recreation or the fact that Mary wanted off so bad she clocked in at a whopping eight minutes of screentime. Poor Carrie looks like a regular kid they pulled off the street who has never acted in her life.
All in all, this is one of the best holiday specials to check out because it captures the unrealistic expectations, as well as the disappointment the season always provides.

Good News on the SVH Front

2007-12-23T16:42:00.000-05:00

I was able to order myself a copy of SVH volume one, for ONE PENNY plus shipping, so yippee! As soon as it arrives, you can bet I'll have one hell of a detailed review to post. I might not go in order after the first book, but I really wanted to get that good initial review out there to start us off. Yippee!!!

Pee-Wee's Holiday: The Hot Ticket

2007-12-23T09:52:00.001-05:00

This was my great find. I got it for $3.99 at a Dollar General in rural South Carolina about three years ago. It made my collection. If you have not seen it yet, your holiday season isn't complete until you do.

There is no work involved in making this thing gay. Just watch Little Richard try to ice skate, see the actual Dinah Shore sing, KD Lang run around like Tobey Maguire in drag as Whoopi Goldberg yaks into a can of corn. Pee-Wee chats it up into a FRUIT COCKTAIL can.

For pete's sake, it opens with Pee-Wee surrounded by the Marines or something. I don't think they are the real thing... are they??? This program is a great example of how back before the 90s things could be so freaking GAY, and wonderfully so, and the gays don't get any of the credit. Everybody was happy to give them the credit when Pee-Man got busted, though.

My So-Called Little House Life

2007-12-23T09:03:00.000-05:00

We truly live the Little House on the Prairie lifestyle. Our rented home is smaller than the Ingalls, so we have to sleep in a futon that was once very expensive. Promised to not be like all the other futons, it behaves just the same and breaks our backs. The other night I was having popcorn in bed like Pa used to do, made from scratch the old fashioned way on the one eye that works on our old fashioned stove. I have to cook all my meals and cannot go to restaurants because I have celiac disease and the risk is too great. I feel like I am cooking morning, noon and night and we don't even have kids yet. Prep room in our kitchen is ridiculous. To have a simple snack like popcorn is a major production.

The wind whips rattling the windows, lights flicker for no reason. All our plumbing leaks, the tub feels like it's gonna go through the floor. Our kitchen table has betrayed us as well. At each sitting it wears like a pile of kindling. No matter how hard we fight them, mice sneak in when you least expect it, no matter how clean and organized we are. Old houses can suck major.

So I'm lying there next to my partner in the barren light from our small lamp because the outlets can't handle anything stronger, and I realized I'm living the dream, the simple 'I wish it were like the olden days' ideal so many folks run on. My lovely books are getting the beatdown of a lifetime because they stay in lousy crates (no space ) and my partner's clothing obsession has had to be halted because in Walnut Grove there's no room for more than one set of clothes.

I know the peeps up in NYC complain about cramped quarters, but down here it's tight too. I don't know how Charles and Caroline did it. I know it's selling out well aware the charm will be gone, but our next place has got to be new, with no mice, central heat and air, and maybe if we are good the rental gods will bless us with a stove that works.

I Miss Christmas in Connecticut

2007-12-18T09:19:00.000-05:00

This movie has been one of my all time favorites and I am going through withdrawals. When we moved it was lost in the shuffle. I am lost without Barbara Stanwick's witty sarcasm! My holiday season movie season is tainted!
Catastroph! Catastroph! Catastroph!

image courtesy of amazon.com

FreeRice.com Use Your Wasted Game Brain For Good

2007-12-17T15:38:00.000-05:00

Play freerice.com, and every word you get correct 20 grains of rice are donated to the United Nations. Now you can play a game at work when you are bored and actually do something good with your time. You could even say you are volunteering, which makes it sound more impressive than wasting time.
Increasing your volcabulary at the same time, I learned on NPR that the creator was helping his son prep for the SAT, and he already had a site to fight hunger. So there you go, some people use their time to actually help the world.

NEVER too much Beyonce!!!

2007-12-16T15:15:00.000-05:00

Too Much Beyonce?
Uploaded by apartment3b

I am posting my favorite videos of 2007. Check this, he is ADORABLE!!!

Non-Food Items: My Barbie McDonald's

2007-12-16T13:47:00.000-05:00

Santa never failed to bring us unusual gifts. More like a hotdog stand, my Barbie McDonald's came with a brown and yellow booth, a swinging 'thank-you' garbage receptacle, brown trays, plastic versions of the Styrofoam sandwich containers, and get this- little hamburgers. They were three pieces- bottom bun, meat, and top bun. It was fun to stack them inside the containers, slapping it all on a tray next to the little box of fries.
McDonalds disgusts me now. The food is what my partner and I refer to as non-food items. You are told that the Big Mac is a hamburger, but the ingredients are so far from organic, so distant from their original sources because of preservatives, additives, artificial flavors and colors, hormones etc that there isn't a shred of nutritional value.
My Barbie Mickey D's was the hottest ticket. I was five when I got it, so my sister was just a toddler forbidden to touch the small little buns. My Barbies had McDonalds morning, noon and night. It was the only restaurant in town. They took dates there (see Barbie Made Me Gay) and their obvious anorexia posed no health risks. I haven't had McDonalds in over three years, but somewhere in my mother's basement is a box full of antique happy meal toys.

Lesbians in Riverdale! OMG!!!

2007-12-16T12:47:00.001-05:00

I spent several dollars a month as a youth purchasing a comic book about two repressed lesbians fighting over a ginger kid who was a total tool. Like, fresh from the shed kind of tool. They are typical high school kids screwing around aimless. One of the two girls is spoiled and rich, but beautiful with black hair and a fashionable wardrobe. The other gal is down-to-earth, a wholesome middle American with blonde hair who dresses like the mom next door.
You guessed it, I loved me some Archies. Mostly I collected the Betty & Veronica series, which centered around the trials and tribulations of the repressed lovebirds. They never really fought with each other, and any debacles incurred over Archie were for comedic relief from the Betty and Veronica's sexual tension.
Again with the dolls, when I was eleven I ordered a set of Archie Dolls from the back of a comic. I had to trudge out in a blizzard to get the money order, and when they arrived, they were a lovely rubber (not plastic! No fabric!) A solid rubber set of dolls made of the same stuff as stretch armstrong.
With power of the Archies, the Asexual Jughead was left in the box, Reggie and Archie developed an oddly close relationship sitting in front of the television set, but Betty and Veronica? They never bickered anymore, unless it was Betty fake protesting the obnoxiously large gifts Veronica bestowed upon her.

Lego Christmas

2007-12-16T09:27:00.000-05:00

Shiloh Jolie-Pitt ranks as Most Influential Infant

2007-12-15T10:24:00.000-05:00

By reviewing web presence and press clippings Forbes decided the most influential babies five and under. Three out of the four Jolie-Pittsters are in the top five:

1) Shiloh
2) Suri
3) Zahara
4) Sean Preston
5) Pax

I already knew Shiloh is the most beautiful baby in the world, but my god she's also got consumer appeal. Damn. If only Pitt gave donations to deserving queer couples. By the way, no joke, at my partner's father's house hangs a picture just like the above image. What am I saying? Yes, my partner looked like Shiloh as an infant. No jokes, no tricksies. For real yo.

Pine Valley Scandal

2007-12-15T06:54:00.000-05:00

Bianca & Babe 4eva!!! I miss Bianca. The Show's gone to sh*t.

Pine Valley: Way Gay Before Bianca

2007-12-14T19:27:00.001-05:00

Pine Valley was a homosexual town long before binks came out. For pete's sake, it had a GAY BAR. I watched this show from birth, as the womenfolk in my clan are ABC soap people. Old school soapers don't stray from their network. From Erica's gay assistants, to the utterly queer decor of the flimsy sets, All My Children is perhaps the gayest soap on television.
Bianca only made it more gay. My aunt bless her heart is perhaps the largest All My Children fan. When I was in the fourth grade, she turned me on to Susan Lucci haircare products (she's also a big QVC freak). I used the Lucci line in their black & red bottles until they ran out.
When they started the Big Gay Bianca plot line, to quote ABC's site, "Bianca felt smothered by Erica's mothering and it was clear something was weighing heavily on her mind." What the hell does that mean? She turned gay because her mother was smothering her since she was coming to terms with being gay?
Huh?
Bianca started hanging out with Rain, this homeless girl, and again I quote ABC, "they seemed to share an easy rapport, much more so than the snooty girls Bianca encountered at Pine Valley High. Leo escorted Bianca to the Halloween dance and Bianca was crushed when she heard her classmates call her weird. A teary Bianca then ran into Rain, who said she knew a place where Bianca would feel more comfortable."
I remember I was in my dorm room in undergrad (Go Blue!) working on an art project with All My Children in the background when I saw Bianca and Rain go to a GAY BAR in PINE VALLEY, but they are followed by Leo and Greenlee (you remember Leo?? The guy who could act and was funny (as far as soap acting goes?))
Using fake ID's Bianca pretended uncomfortability but she was loving it. I was all over the telephone calling everybody I knew. Hello! Gay bar on national TV! Granted, 'The Blue Angel' was a gay bar circa 1989, but what the hell, that's what made it hilarious. It was dark and dank, with slinky patrons drinking beer from the bottle, Melissa and KD blaring. I've been in many gay bars but none like Pine Valley's queer dive.
You never really saw it again because Bianca was one of those 'I'm too good for a working class small town lesbo bar in PA' sort of lesbians. The kind who wears forty dollar lipstick from her mother's cosmetic company. Leo and Greenlee spied on Bianca trailing her to the bar, and this is where ABC's site cracked my *ss up, "Greenlee was shocked to discover that Erica Kane's daughter was gay, but Leo was very tender and supportive of Bianca. Bianca feared Erica wouldn't love her if she learned she was gay and Leo promised to keep Bianca's secret." Gag.

Rick Steves Rocks

2007-12-14T10:19:00.000-05:00

I just wanted to do a shoutout to my favorite PBS travel show host, Rick Steves. There's nothing particularly gay about the show, but I can still make it gay, because it's not anti-gay. In none of the episodes does Steves shy away from addressing gay tourists or destinations, and he is very neutral about presenting controversial places and histories. For example, in his holiday special, he doesn't shy away from telling the truth about most of our holiday traditions being lifted from the pagans.
On his blog, he has gotten alot of sh*t from folks for this, so I have to give him a positive review. In fact, my partner loves the show so much, I bought a few episodes as gifts. (This gift has already been given, so this post isn't ruining any surprises.
My only wish is that he would do more shows on Northern Europe. That's where we want to go next (Norway... Someday.)

image courtesy of ricksteves.com

#1 Double Love Out of Print

2007-12-10T19:33:00.000-05:00

Well, here's the debacle. I thought it wouldn't be too hard to find a new copy to start my reviews, since my mother kindly sold all my childhood books at a garage sale for twenty-five cents apiece. All those hours of babysitting for nothing! Not a store in town carries the Sweet Valley books since they are out of print, and I am wary of Amazon, since two good friends had their credit information stolen from using independent sellers.

I am going on the hunt through my local used bookstores, so I will keep you posted. If any of my kindly readers would like to give me a copy, please contact me and I'd appreciate it! Meanwhile, life has gotten very interesting in the past few days. If you will recall, we were supposed to wait until next month for our appointment with the specialist, but there was a cancellation for today (thank god someone got knocked up!) so we go in today! Yippee!!!

image courtesy of amazon.com

Little House: The Pilot, aka Best Episode in Series

2007-12-10T19:29:00.000-05:00

I am going to rewatch every episode of Little House on the Prarie, this time recording the antics for all at the Lint Ball to enjoy. This will be the most difficult post in the series since the pilot is actually very good. Away from the permanent set of Little House, the actors appear young and happy. The whole show lies ahead and the permanent cast is left to shine since there aren't side bit characters yet except Mr. Edwards, and I've always thought of him as family.

It's the show I fell in love with. To quote Laura, "It's a fine thing to go where there has never been a road before." Well, kid, you are right. You can never go home again, there's no going back, though I bet I'm not the only one who wishes the show were as good as it's first episode, when the dramatics made sense with the plot.

Oh, sh*t, the TEETH! Poor Laura's teeth are facing forward at attention. The sound is fantastic at first, left silent aside from the clatter of the wagon and the unending wind. Charles looks like he rode across a state park horse trail, but the womenfolk appear as if they just stepped from the trailer with the star on the door.

So confident Charles ushers them across the river. I'm blurring my eyes again. (refer to prior Little House post). Laura is annoyingly fixated on the dog Jack, and Mary bumps her head against the spinning wheel when they cross the river. They could have a spinning wheel, but not a cup for everyone?

Charles hair gets ruined, but when he goes to look for the dog he returns thank god perfectly coiffed. Caroline threatens Laura to wear her bonnet or her skin will get leathery (like the biker gal you messed around with last night, lady??). Caroline is very shrill in the first episode.

When Charles hugs the returning Jack, you are struck at how in emotional moments he is a decent actor. I've never seen a man who can cry so well. The drama continues, from Laura learning to spit to Indian Trouble. Caroline abhors Mr. Edwards because she doesn't like body hair (lesbian!) and says he isn't refined nor as womanly as Charles. "Caroline, you don't have to sleep with the man, but he's building us a house for free, so f*ck off!" I think that's what Charles said.

The indians are really italian actors wearing the orange foundation a woman I once worked with wore, with matching chin lines. Poor Mr. Edwards treks drunk through the snow to bring these kids a treat and Caroline is still a bitch!

Damn, Charles is sc good with kid actors. Poor Carrie. Even as a tiny thing, she can't even cry out "Santa!" very well. Every time I turn to type another disaster happens. This is the slow evolution toward over acting and too many debacles that will make Little House famous. A fire! The idiot man beats his roof with a coat to put out the freaking fire! That's how crazy Charles is. Then god sends the rain, and they all gather in front with a rainbow. Now you'd think this was the end of the episode, but no. They are just getting started. A decent imitation of an 'indian' drum beat, then the indians return. Now again, Charlie's plowing, and you are tricked into thinking all's well. But no! Here come the calvery, to tell the family who never had a chance they have to go back to civilization after all. Their shot at being pioneer heroes has ended, they will now turn into stereotypes and chuckle producers with the Olsens.

image courtesy of amazon.com

Barbie Made Me Gay

2007-12-10T14:30:00.000-05:00

Not how you think, grab your mind back from the gutter. It was the fact that her genitals were made from a plastic mold. Everything was ambiguous and nothing could be pinned down. Most of the kids I knew had a dozen barbies and maybe two Kens.

Kens, while rare, were not the focal commodity. They were extras, sidebar notes. My sister and I both had Barbie houses side by side. (I have told you before we were spoiled). They were the Sears Magnificent Fashion Mansion in shades of orange, pink and tan. The image above is from the 1985 Sears Book where you could purchase one of these beauties for a cool $49.95. Three rectangle rooms on top of three rectangle rooms. My dad worked with carpet, so he got us each our own 4'x3' scrap of carpet, in two different shades of blue-green. We set the homes up so that each of our 'properties' had a driveway. The homes backed up against the lovely grey cement wall of our basement. The models varied, but we later choose to recover the furniture when I had my sewing elective in junior high. Yes, I played with Barbies until I was in the ninth grade. My cool factor shoots even higher.

Various additions were made over time as my Barbie family became an orgiastic uncontrolled phenomenon. I used the 1987 Grandma Heart as the dad, and the 1987Grandma Heart as the mom. This was due to the wide age range of their children. I needed distinguished looking parental units. Depending upon loss or damage they had 7-10 children, all girls except for the Heart Family baby boy. The family grew so large I had to add a bedroom off the family room next to the driveway.

'The Girls' are what I called my 17, 16, 15, and 14 year old dolls. With a skipper and Stacey age daughter and the baby boy & girl twins, they were All American. They'd ride around in my Barbie Ferrari abstractly going on dates that never transpired with Kens left behind in the doll bin. My seventeen year old wore her off the shoulder striped shirt she'd gotten from my Jem doll, and she was always the driver. The Blonde Girls were cool staying out late kissing nameless Midges on the basement stairs also known as the mountain outside of town. They got alot of action. I just didn't know what to call this wonderful life with so many women.

I still get the same quivery feeling when I think back on how sexy I was with those silly plastic dolls. When my mother would open the basement door it was amazing how fast they fell off the cliff. I knew what I was doing was outside the box, I just didn't know the dolls I got were big ol' gays.

image courtesy of wishbookweb.com

Ug-Oh Theory

2007-12-09T15:06:00.000-05:00

This will be my most controversial post. This theory has caused me much trouble in my home. If you share my perspective, please join me. I feel that in every couple, yes even Brad and Angie, there is an Ug and an Oh.

The 'Ug' will make you go ugggh! They will be the less attractive physically, emotionally, or mentally. They may be dull, stupid, or bland. This is measured in degrees, I must remind you, but even the smallest percent can make a difference.

The 'Oh' is the one you are drawn to. Your reaction upon meeting the couple is oh! What a pleasant surprise! This person may be easier on the eye, more mentally stimulating, or just plain less boring.

While I must admit my theory is subjective, there are some Ug-Oh's that jump right out at you. You know who I am talking about. You're introduced to your friend's wife, and all you can say is Ugggh! My partner does not endorse nor does s/he support this theory in any way. But I felt compelled to publish it in hopes of others who feel the same.

I'm not biased either, for subjectively, I must admit my Partner in the looks department is definitely the Oh. Make that emotionally as well. I may have a stronghold in the wit department, but the verdict's still out.

Why I'm Ashamed to ask for L Word Season 4

2007-12-09T11:49:00.001-05:00

I dusted off the old routine this year. We've been together for six years, and I'm a true child at Christmas, making lists dropping hints better than Ralphie's best attempts. Trying to seem natural I said, "Did you watch any After School Specials?"
"Huh?" My partner's response. They did have television on the farm, it's just that there is a fourteen year age difference, "The After School Specials. They ran from 1974 until like 1989. Totally crossing both our generations!"
"I've never heard of them," The response was not shocking, as my partner was cool as a young teen all blonde and cute, while I came home from school to watch after school specials in the kitchen with peanut butter on celery sticks alongside my mom. Well, as my mom made dinner and yelled at us kids.
"Come on," I pleaded, "They were the epitome of cheesy goodness, troubled youths!" I proceed to sell the old series, then casually drop the fact that the shows have been released on DVD in a special bus shaped container, all of them, for hir to catch up on.
S/he began to talk about cooking a turkey at our friend's house, so I don't know if my red rider bb- I mean After School Special DVD set will be arriving under the tree.
I always ask for these pop-culture things s/he's not interested in, really. Like the After School Special. But there is one thing I am very ashamed to ask for, and I shouldn't be, if you think about it. Well, it's kind of embarrassing.
I would like to get the fourth season of the LWord.
Now, to quote Hillary Frey on salon.com, "No longer a brave exploration of smart, successful, driven women who have sex with other women, "The L Word" is just another Sunday-night drama full of desperate women who happen to be lesbians instead of housewives."
My partner has begun to seriously dislike the show. I myself had almost given up. The lame way they treated the character of Max, the ridiculous death of Dana. We own the first three seasons, and had come to an ambiguous decision not to buy any more. But then I saw the previews for season five. Now, I know it doesn't air until January, and we don't have cable so we won't be seeing it unless I buy it in fall of '08, but it looked hot. It revitalized my women in prison fetish, and I like the idea of Daniela Sea's character hooking up with a guy. But season five and season four are not the same, and I've read the recaps. Season four is the season when Landon brought on Johnny Cash- Oh, I mean Ilene Chaiken tows out Cybill Shepherd. I'm nervous. But now, with wanting to see hot prison action- I mean poor sexy brit sadly going to jail, I HAVE to see season four. And I don't want my collection to be incomplete.
So I coyly asked for season four about a week ago. I thought, this won't be a problem, the partner needs some gift ideas (although s/he's a notorious lone ranger when it comes to gifts). I was surprised by how I received such an apprehensive reaction.
"no shit?"
"Yes!" Played previews for season 5. Twice.
"Well, maybe."
"Did you see what's going on with Brit?" S/he has a thing for Brit, it's cute. We call the one who was cool and rich, then poor and lame, Brit. The one who's mom turned out to be gay.
"Yea. We'll see."
ARGH! The Classic Partner LWord BLOCK!

image courtesy of amazon.com

Babysitters Club, also known as One Thing I Can't Gay Up

2007-12-08T13:42:00.000-05:00

Oops, I lied. Has anyone taken a look at Kristy lately? Um, that girl was totally in the works with such a huge crush on Stacey. Maybe this is a stretch, but as I dig into my memory, I can't recall why I enjoyed these books so darn much. I collected the entire series well over #100. More of the other kids read The Babysitters Club, too, for some reason it was not as 'trashy' as SVH. All the gals in the neighborhood wanted to babysit, there was a surplus of pubescent girls foaming at the mouth to test out their newly constructed Kid-Kits (remember those?) filled with lame reject toys left over from their now grown-up relations nobody would really want to touch.

I have three younger siblings. I don't recall a strong desire to babysit, I did enough at home. I think I wanted money. I wanted out of the house. Also, and here is where I gay it up again, I liked anything to do with all female groups. I have also been very balance oriented, so to counter balance the slut-SVH factor, I read an all-American book like Claudia and the New Girl, like having a salty flavored food before you have the sweet.

Say, there's another character with homo tendencies. I mean an artist, come on! I have my master's degree in painting, let me tell you it's a queer haven! Weren't Claudia and Stacey best friends? Because Stacey was a big city New York lesbian, that's why, and Claudia, the little suburban artist... ok, now I remember why I liked the ol' BSC books.

It couldn't be for their literary value. I have to say in hindsight, the authors of SVH were much better writers than their BSC counterparts. Maybe it was the sweety-sweet factor that held BSC back so much.

One question I have is, why were BSC books so much more popular with my peers? I can see why adults would have liked them more than SVH, but kids? God, was I the only one with illicit thoughts at that age?

I think that for kids, books with no literary value seem to do better in the same way a Twix will beat a banana.

What a fantastic site! SVH alert!!!

2007-12-08T12:19:00.000-05:00

I just discovered this fabulous site that has inspired me to take my SVH obsession to new levels. The author of thedairyburger.com says her purpose, and I quote, is "To reread the entire series to relive my tween years, and also to get really angry at how SVH gave me a false and misguided view of high school life. And life in general. In fact, I blame all my insecurities, problems and worries on these books."

I think this is a fantastic idea. I am toying with rereading myself, not because I directly blame the books for anything, but rather, because I wish I could. They never set up false expectations, they set no expectations. Their lack of queer inclusion left a void that I had to fill with my own interpretation of what life could be like for me. The Sweet Valley High books made me fantasize about what relationships would be, completely thinking outside the box.

For me and my friends in school, these books were seen as fillers, trashy, not real novels, so I was embarrassed already to enjoy reading them. Then, to top it off, I was brutally embarrassed I was thinking about the characters in so-called perverted ways.

Hellfire, read my prior post, I still can't get these nitwits off my mind! One of my new goals is to reread each of the original SVH books and post on each one with my special way of Gaying Things Up! Ta-da! What do y'all think?

Keep a look out, this will happen as soon as I get my hands on the first issue of Double Love. Hmmmnnnn..... The title alone has possibilities!!!

LITTLE HOUSE LOVER

2007-12-08T08:27:00.001-05:00

This was never a secret. From the time we first got our DVD player in 2003 (behind the times, I know, don't laugh) I started buying the Little House on the Prairie TV series on DVD.

We own every season now, and rewatch them only when my partner is forced inactive due to illness. I loved Little House. Mostly Pa, with his air of transgenderedness, (again- hairless chest, not girly, but with a coiffed 'do, close to gay but not enough. If I blurred my eyes, the perfect butch). I loved the lingering looks between Ma and Mrs. Olsen, or Ma and the new neighbor, or Ma and the lone female African-American cast member.

We had an above ground pool growing up in our split-level suburban enclave, and my mother hated the heat. She loathed to sweat in any form, and kept the house at a cool 68 degrees. We would go outside for an early swim, then come traipsing back in with wet towels in tow to sprawl out across the maroon carpet and watch TBS's 11am rerun of Little House.

As all good wasteful bratty suburban youths, we were more than adept at being cynical, masters of the art of making fun. My family loves to make fun. We could make fun of anybody, anywhere back then. My younger sis and I would spend a solid hour laughing our ass off at the Little House crew. Nothing was off limits, and my developing homo mind knew no boundaries.

Whether it was Laura's teeth, or the fact that Lindsay and Sidney while cute couldn't act for sh*t, watching Pa's face crestfallen as they singlehandedly screwed up emotional moments and refused to carry the torch. The giant Victorian dollhouse that sat in a field, starring as a wealthy woman's home Pa might be having an affair with, a blind school, and finally burning to the ground. Don't get me started on Pa's burly buddies who were always lurking by the 70s barn.

Almost every day we were in tears, rolling around, eating Ritz crackers from the box. To this day the combo of crumbs, wet towels, and fields of flowers mean one thing.

We were cruel, spotting wigs askew, fake snow, and unrealistic expectations a mile away. Our cynicism isn't something some may look fondly back on, my partner finds it disgusting since she grew up in farm country completely kind and sincere, but I still try to explain. Our mockery was out of love. It was the only sincerity to bond over. In a loud household, it was expected. We were simply exceeding expectations, as we always tried to do.

Popping in a new disc of Little House today, I will still tease and taunt, but the maliciousness has left replaced with an admiring longing to live in the Little House world. Not the real Little House World of back breaking labor, but the gentle town where little sheds on dirt piles are transformed into loving homes.

My partner (although this may be hotly denied) gets in on the act, showing me the proper way to be entertained by the program's hokey moments. We've even discovered how to laugh at the contemporary Little House, The L Word, where ridiculous things happen at the drop of a hat and characters disappear and reappear by the creator's will.

I wish I'd gone into TV Show Owning.

image courtesy of amazon.com

Viking, the Misnomer that Keeps on Giving

2007-12-07T11:08:00.000-05:00

mis·no·mer –noun 1. a misapplied or inappropriate name or designation. 2. an error in naming a person or thing.

Doing research online is lame. Nothing is certain and facts can be made to suit one's will at random. I could write about whole tribes of lesbian Vikings and somebody will quote me in a paper. It's gotten that absurd. It's like all the tools have been let loose out of the shed, running around out there on the Internet stealing each other's ideas. I mean, think about it. For a typical book to get published it has to go through so many editors, and it's still chalk full of errors. Now any idiot like me can try to build with an empty bag of nails, and kids today use the Internet as the blocks for their 'research'. Kids today, I act like I am eighty. My partner is senior to me in technical years, but I am the elder in reality.

So I'm knocking around with a vague Viking obsession, debating how far to take this thing. It all started because we went to see the movie Beowulf. Now, as you can tell from my posts, many of my thoughts have been sexy recently. I think it's because we are trying to get pregnant, and for me, attempting pregnancy in itself so far isn't sexy. I haven't felt too sexy. But our next appt isn't until January (we are being referred to a specialist- it's a long depressing story), so a window of sexiness has opened. Also, the holidays are kind of sexy too. It's all the tinsel and razzle dazzle. But I digress. Back to the Vikings.

The movie was good. Allot of other people didn't enjoy it, as much as I think it deserves to be liked, but we loved it. We never go to the movies that much, but we went to see it twice in 3D. The character of Beowulf had this transgendered look to me (don't ask- that's a post in itself, seriously, there are men I find attractive because they are just feminine enough, but not girly. The character of Beowulf was nice and blonde and hairless, tough, but troubled too, just enough to appeal to me. Men like Brad Pitt. I think my partner looks like Brad's transgender sibling. Again, a post in itself.) Angelina Jolie wasn't hard on the eyes either, but I was surprised by how little she had to do with the enjoyment of this film. She was our original interest in seeing it, as we are both big brad 'n angies.

The imagery! The folklore! The story! All really good. Well, it got me thinking about when I was little and played with the Viking Lego sets. You know how a little fact can sit in your brain, and even though weeks can go by, you can't let it go? That's what's happening for me regarding the truth over who 'discovered' America.

Of course, this all need to be prefaced by the fact that you can't discover a place where people already are living, but besides that, the hypocrisy over Columbus discovering America! The Vikings were here first!

The word Viking was never truly applied by the people themselves. It was applied later by others to describe them. The word Viking is Scandinavian for 'pirate'. From my amateur research it appears we know very little about these people, other than the fact that they were a fierce people, depicted as blondes and redheads. From what movies show us they were a very sexy group indeed. Geez, I am getting sexy on this blog again. I really don't mean to, I can't help it. You see, I am fascinated by the Vikings right now. One site describes the women as 'among the world's most beautiful, whether slim or zaftig, blond or dark-haired, with perfect rainy-weather complexions. They have been independent thinkers for centuries. Gunnora Hallakarva, who researched Viking attitudes toward women, explained that "if a husband complained of his wife's lesbian relationship, she could simply divorce him."Yet Icelandic women were legally barred from dressing like men and restricted from taking men's jobs. Still, Icelandic history is replete with legends about women, like the 17th-century orphan who not only dressed as a man and went to sea with men but ended up captaining her own herring boats, which conferred high status. She married several men for children, divorcing them after the children were born, and lived happily alone. She was called "kynvilla, or 'perverted,' " ' http://www.outtraveler.com/detail.asp?did=306

Like most histories, queer Viking history is a wasteland with little evidence to go on. But just enough for me to dig in and recreate my own to post on the Internet as truth.

Sweeties in the Valley

2007-12-06T13:23:00.000-05:00

The other night I had the weirdest dream.

Jessica from Sweet Valley High was flirting with this poorly dressed butchy gal in her gym class. She gets the girl all worked up, because the young bull is a repressed lesbian, but then Jessica leaves her by the track to sweat it out.

Some time later this sweet broad shouldered ponytail sporting gal comes in to put the volleyballs in the supply closet that also doubles as a place to cry, and what do you know? There's Jessica with her skirt up, romping on Ms. Butson the gym teacher, both of their faces looking up at the young victim of Jessica's notorious flirting witnessing hot outrageous sexual activity.

The teacher was all strapped up, you know what I mean. I don't want my blog to get removed with only one post. It gets kind of kinky from here. I don't normally have sexy dreams, but it got me thinking. I used to read the SVH books all the time from like third to ninth grade. They were the candy between worthwhile novels one could diddle to, ruminating on blond twins and wealthy brunettes. I am not the only homo to have this sort of memory. Right? It was just odd to come upon this on a Tuesday night deep asleep next to my partner after so many years.

My partner identifies as transgendered more than as a lesbian, I am attracted to butchies, so obviously my dream followed this pattern. I heard from a friend yesterday that some of the newer books have gay male characters in them, the Valley is getting 'hip' to the issues of the day. But I can't wait until they jump the shark and have Jessica Wakefield get real for once. Because I know someone else out there has thought the same darn thing. Women who have to act out so much are obviously hiding something! Besides, Elizabeth is too obvious a choice as resident lesbian. Her journalistic integrity would prevent her from hiding something like that.

Speaking of jumping the shark, what a fabulous first post! I can't wait to get off work and go to sleep for more material. Where you are starting from here, you can't go anywhere but up.

image courtesy of amazon.com

Greetings, Salutations, Hellos, Welcome, Y'all!

2007-12-05T13:23:00.000-05:00

This, as my first post, should be utterly significant. It should describe exactly what I want to do, where I am going with this, and what will come of it. Unfortunately, that would defeat the purpose. I collect ideas, holding them in my sweaty little palm, dangling notions before my cart to keep moving forward, for use ina future art project or story, until they are found wasting away in the corner like dust bunnies with carrot breath.
I work in a variation of the tourist industry, a job with benefits that I desperately need, but my degrees as well as my heart tell the truth, I am not a reservationist but instead an artist, a writer, in desperate need of an outlet.
Barreling forward with my partner to concieve a child through science, working 40 hrs+ a week, encircled by the holidays, and who would have guessed I'd decide to kill time at work by productively blogging? So pardon the construction but as I turn up the heat the lint tray should pluck out some really good sh*t pillaging my brain.