SVH: Recap Volume 9 (Racing to the Projects)

This one was hard to get through. I don't know how I did it the first time, and actually liked it. I liked it then because it had Lila in it, and she was an old fave. Mostly because she had daddy issues (of course then nominating her for classic lesbian stereotype #2, no other man is good enough for me besides my daddy!) but now twenty years later it's total crap. The basic plot is that Roger Barrett has this mega unexplainable crush on Lila, but she'll never go for him because he shops at Walmart and works as a janitor. Apparently he has to support his family. Well, let me tell you kid, you could find jobs much more flexible and making more money a whole lot easier. But then nobody accused good ol'Rog of being the brightest crayon in this cracked up SVH box.
Well, getting past this boohoo, we sail into the big Jessica subplot. It seems that she starts off trying to be a big bad business gal and work in her daddy's office. She says she wants to be a lawyer for HRC someday, but nobody believes her. She thinks the world of law is all glamourous because all the lawyers in the valley look like ken dolls. Oh, and the two women lawyers look like they have fun too. Because it's all about the fun for jess.
So there's this big annual race, and the whole town goes big for it (in my hometown nobody went to track events, but what ev'). They've got a hardon because the winner of the big meet will get a scholarship to Sweet Valley College. Um, so there's a Sweet Valley College AND a Sweet Valley University? Just asking.
This book is so lame, the whole freaking thing is gay. Jessica goes for a younger guy who works across the hall at an ad agency who's only 15 (because we all know repressed lesbians love that young boy look).
Lila wants a piece of Roger when he wins the race in his STREET CLOTHES, but he has none of it, because although before Lila almost needed a restraining order on him he was stalking her so bad, now when she's all over him he goes for the hippie douche buddy of his, Olivia.
I hated this one so bad, I won't devote any more time to it. Seriously, read this book and you will weep over time lost.

SVH: Recap Volume 4 (They Play Powerfully)

This is the MOST gay of all the covers, and confirms my theory that in fact Jessica is in love with herself through her twin sister Elizabeth. There is something playful in Elizabeth's expression, but Jessica is oddly serious, lips wet with desire... this cover reads as a porn magazine. I think subconsciously it did for me, two decades ago!
So here's the gay plot. If you recall in volume 3, Jessica was teasing Robin and leading her on, letting her do all her chores for her etc. Now if you didn't know this already, quite often very attractive repressed lesbians will take an 'ugly' under their wing, enjoying the female attention, without arousing any suspicion, because no decent looking girl would ever be involved with such an 'ugly'. (See ug/oh theory). Also, harassing and being cruel to an unfortunate would make Jessica feel better about herself because her inner soul is a hollow shell, so she gets great joy from seeing Robin suffer from the hazing process.
By the way, weirdoville with this whole sorority thing. I know there were exclusive clubs in high school, but never a sorority. That's in college, Pascal. But I see where she was going with this. How else could she set up a pattern of exclusivity other than the most snobby 'exclusive' cult, that of the sorority?
Of course, Robin is blinded by love, so she goes through with all these lame ass hazing stunts, like having to run around a track (egads!) and go to the beach in a bikini (I would NEVER have done this one- this is where Robin is a MORON). She finally catches on when Elizabeth of all people talks Bruce into taking Robin to the dance. Because she wasn't explicit enough that he actually had to be her date ALL night, he dumps her off with a QUEEN MARY (How freaking gay! Of all the fatty jokes, Queen Mary?!?) joke. So anyway, Robin finally catches on that they have been making fun of her, and Jessica has personally betrayed her.
Robin begins to act suicidal (Hello- gay teens are more likely to commit suicide! Serious subject!) because she was so into Jessica and feels betrayed. She should, Jessica freaking BLACKBALLS her. Hee hee, black ball.
Robin disappears to a fat camp, then returns running voluntarily around the track, and a day or two or more go by before Elizabeth notices that Robin has begun to loose weight.
Jess gets all furtive here, and I know they are trying to spin it that she feels guilty, but what most folks don't know is that she feels guilty because she got her kicks off the poor girl, and she's freaked out that Robin will blow her cover.
They'd always talked about what a pretty face Robin had, so when boom Robin's skinny (gee if it were only that easy) her ass is a hot ticket. Now I must say that Robin was an accidental gay with Jessica, as her 'ugly'. She is not gay, and now that she is attractive the world is her oyster, so to speak.
As SVH is the most screwball high school ever, they are having a beauty contest, and Jessica looses to Robin. Not because Robin told everybody Jess is gay, she didn't need to. Everybody has that sixth sense with these kinds of girls, and Jess is treated like a pariah for awhile, along with the rest of the sorority girls, not for their cruel hazing, but because of a BLACK BALL.
The side plot involves Lila. I never noticed how the first few books show very little of Lila. Of course, Lila has a daddy complex and is a shoplifter to get his attention. I won't say how many lesbians I met who were in this position in high school. The weird thing is, she gives all her loot to Jessica, who of course thinks Lila bought it all for her, because of course she thinks everybody's in love with her. Although it would be hot if they got together.
It is as if the 'Ugliness' of having an overweight character was too much to bear for the beautiful world of Sweet Valley. That's the only reason I can come up with as to why Pascal did what she did to Robin. Holly shit, according to the standards of Frannie at six feet tall and a size twenty I'd be a beast. This whole Power Play is truly a struggle between Elizabeth and Jessica, because the entire world revolves around them, even the life and death of a fattie.

SVH: Recap Volume 3 (We Get Burned)

"It didn't take long to hear the sounds she dreaded hearing: the sounds of two people whispering breathlessly as the leaf-covered ground crackled under the weight of their bodies. Elizabeth stopped abruptly, hoping they hadn't heard the crunching sound of her own footsteps. She was eavesdropping on a passionate moment, and it made her uncomfortable. She started to flash back to last summer, when she had bounded into the Hershey bar only to find both Jessica and Lila with their swimsuits off. Later Jess claimed they were checking their tan lines, but still Elizabeth was left with the same queer feeling as she was right now. But what could she do? She had to save Jessica from herself."

Okay, so everybody knows that this is as racy as the ol' school SVH books get. Playing With Fire, ooooh the double entendre, as Jessica goes on a rampage of repressed teenage sexuality, hating herself so much she allows all sorts of awful domestic abuse to occur with the creepy Bruce Patman.
The more I reread about this S.O.B. the more I loathe his rapist ass. I think he's got the hots more for the guys on the tennis courts than he does for any woman, and that's why he treats them all like shit. I've met quite a few good looking rich gay men who betrayed a few Patman traits in their youth. Believe me, personal experience talking here. By the by, he's wearing lipstick. And Jessica's busting loose in a Target Brand pink t-shirt. Because Lila hasn't started stealing for her, yet.
My theory that straight women will eat their own is proudly on display here, as almost every attractive woman in Sweet Valley has dated this dickwad, yet none of them seem to learn from their mistakes, nor is he taken down in a wave of malicious gossip the way they would do a fellow female. You'd think his reputation would be hurt by raping and emotionally destroying simpleton Sweet Valley women, but instead it seems to be enhanced.

There are two other side plots, that of the 'Queen Mary' Robin who has got it bad for Jessica, and another plot about the Idiots, I mean the Droids, the only band this loser school hires for it's dances, because they deserve so much better than the DJ we always had.

I can't wait to review the next one, Power Play, that has major hot lesbian twin action on the cover, and is filled with interesting very Non-PC names for people who are overweight in it.

The conclusion is lame when she sees Bruce with another girl. She just throws pizza and soda at him and lets the air out of his tires. Gee, you've cheated, abused and practically raped me, but all I'm gonna do is let the air out of your tires. Sounds to me like she wanted to be rid of him... because we all know that your self-loathing homosexual cannot commit to people of the opposite sex for more than half a SVH novel.

Gay Points of Interest:
* Jessica thinks girls in cheerleading uniforms are hot
* She's way athletic which means of course she's a repressed gay.
* When she's making out with Bruce, it seems like Bruce is that last thing on her mind. She doesn't seem to be put-off by his sexual advances for any moral reasons, rather it's simply because he has a biological penis and this of course is not what she's really looking for.
* To 'impress' Bruce (or turn him off on purpose) Jessica goes to this store that sells clothes librarians in the 1940s wore. Librarians... Lesbian... Jessica!

Being a Golden Girl

My favorite television show as a child was the Golden Girls. I stayed up late to watch it, I followed it to Lifetime, and yesterday I purchased another season that was on sale for an amazing freaking $14.99.
I would sit two feet from the set on the floor, leaning back on my hands, to catch every single one of their jokes. Sure, I liked all those other crappy shows, but GOLDEN GIRLS ruled.
So last night while I was sewing new throw pillows I did a marathon and nothing can cheer a gal up like elderly sexy jokes, no kidding. The lesbian episode in the second season is tops, the one where Dorothy (of course it would be Dorothy) has an old friend from college who's a big ol' lesbo who's partner has died. Rose and the lesbian hook up, without rose realizing it, and every time I watch this one I think, 'I bet Dorothy wishes she'd hung around with this one a little more instead of marrying that loser'.
Another theme I love is when they interact with 'Young People'. Like when Blanche's grandson comes to visit and he's a punkass loser, or when Dorothy teaches a young giant douchebag Mario López how not to be a tool, but he's deported anyway.
And how about them early celeb appearances? Mario López, George Clooney, Arsenio Hall...
Rewatching the pilot, there was this character Coco at total stereotype of a gay man who was the ladies' cook, but they kicked him off the show after the pilot. Many of Sophia's famous zingers and one liners were originally written for Coco. I liked coco, but I think they were afraid to have a gay man on the TV, because in the pilot each time he spoke, the camera would actually move to another character. Also, he was constantly drifting off the set.
The Golden is getting me through.

SVH: Recap Volume 2 (The REAL Secrets)

"I am telling you, Enid is a lesbo. No, really!... How do I know?" Jessica pauses to wrap the thick cord between her fingers, panicked, "I just do. I can sense these things."
Jessica's face goes white, "How dare you say that about me!" Her blue-green eyes begin to flash, flipping her hair over her shoulder, "Well, KD is kinda cute...."
"Jess!?" Elizabeth gasped.

This is how Volume 2, Secrets, begins if you are very skilled at deciphering code.
The second book in the series, they were just getting started. Here's some gay key points:
Enid went to Juvenile Hall in her youth, (because she's an old hag now) and had herself the biggest, stoniest butch lover, who was best friends with the guy George who got her busted in the first place.
The greatest irony is that this is not the big source of gossip. The big source of gossip is the fact that Enid's been writing letters with George to keep tabs on her Butch Lover, who moved to NYC when she got out and is now working as a bouncer. Because everybody in this school gives two shits that the girl with the ugly name gets paper letters.
The real reason people are talking of course is because they all know that Ronnie is an abusive SOB who will beat the shit out of her for talking to other guys, and they've got alot of money riding on whether or not it'll be both arms this time.
Now of course it is Jessica who outs Enid (see above conversation) because... because why? Because she thinks if everybody finds out about Enid's gayness it will deflect on her own. She wants to be Queen of the dance, and figures if she knocks this dork Enid who wouldn't even be nominated if it weren't a consolation prize for taking her share of the domestic violence pie, she can be queen... with Bruce.
Bruce Patman of course is the PERFECT cover boyfriend, and Jessica's been yanking it some time to get with him. He's got money, he's abusive too, and she will have to stay at home alot of nights to wait for him to call (avoiding unnecessary hetero social activity).
Now hypocrite Elizabeth of course ruins her plans because she goes around spreading a rumor that Jessica really wants to get with Winston, and everybody should vote for Winston. Again, this rumor-mongrel of a gal holds some mystical power over everybody and gets them to do it. Jessica is furious, not because Winston's a bad guy, but he's not the magic BRUCE... I mean, Jessica knows if she's stuck with Winston her cover will be busted for sure because he's a mostly normal guy and he's expect her to act like a normal girl. Whereas with Bruce, she knows he'll treat her like shit and she doesn't have to get to close.
Gay Highlights:
*The book opens as Jessica gets her dress zipped up by Cara, for some reason they were naked together. Jessica's whining about being thrown into the pool in the last book, and Cara tells her how cute she was.
*Elizabeth and Enid share a bed
*Jessica finds herself under the scrutiny of MS. Dalton, a tall slender woman in her twenties whose wide set hazel eyes regarded her with 'knowing amusement', as all lesbians know each other.

Life as a Sweet Valley High Writer

Have you ever seen the episode of South Park, when the boys discover who the real writers of Family Guy are? We are closet South Park fans, and this particular number had us laughing our assets off! The whole show has this long and convoluted plotline, but the basic point is that the writers for Family Guy are MANATEES. That's right, they are not human. The mammals live in a large tank swimming to one side to pick up "idea balls" and put them into a hole on the other side. Each ball has the name of a person, a verb, or a pop-culture reference written on them. When the balls travel down a shaft, a group of five of them forms a Family Guy joke.

I dislike Family Guy very much, thank-you, but I think the South Park guys stole the MANATEE idea from Sweet Valley High!!! Only, it's not manatees writing SVH, it's a lazy sexed up house cat. The writers go to a back alley somewhere and meet an overweight lazy cat.

Just kidding, I don't think it's as professional as all that. I am just finishing volume two, and to be honest, I have absolutely no clear idea how I ever read these books to begin with. They are shit. If you cut out the same descriptive bull that is in each of them (Blonde, blue-eyed bullshit)there's only about twelve pages left, no kidding. The same tired ass descriptions of loser Enid in each book, I guess they figured we learned by repetition. Besides, it's easier to get a cat to cough up twelve pages...


image courtesy of simonsays.com

SVH: Recap Volume 1 (Double Lovin')

I don't know where to begin. It's even better than I remember. The book opens with Jessica in false hysterics over being fat. "Jess looked in the mirror and saw a picture of utter heartbreak and despair. But what was actually reflected in the glass was the most adorable, most dazzling sixteen year old imaginable." Francine Pascal is in love with Jessica and that is why the first three pages of the book are dedicated to the description of the twins' physical appearances. Literally at each turn of the page your smacked in the face with another adoring comment.

The entire purpose of this book is to show us that women will compete over men but there is no real feeling behind the attempts, because it's all about the competition with other women. Well, that's what it's like for Jessica, who is the stereotypical repressed lipstick lesbian. She is also unfortunately the stereotype neurotic egomanical lesbian who is looking for a gal just like herself. She is in fact in love with herself. Like her variety of women, she uses men as a distraction, an excuse. A source of competition with the people who really matter, other women.

I have deduced that Elizabeth is in fact not a lesbian. She is not overly competitive over men in this episode, as we find her drooling over the biggest tool in the school, Todd. Unhealthily obsessed with the poor guy, he's digging her too, because nosy annoying people have an uncanny ability to sniff each other out. Let's just say I hope she's not gay because the gang don't need none of that.

I'd forgotten how much Lila reminds me of Veronica in the Archies. Or how Bruce reminds me of Reggie Mantle. But I digress. Right away the foundation of classist behavior is set when Jessica for no apparent reason (unless you understand this type of lesbian and have read many lesbian pulp novels) goes after the "Bad Boy" Rick Andover, with his hooded eyes and fast car. Jessica obviously went for it with him as a distraction not because 'rod' Todd wasn't available, it was solely as a punishment and source of excitement, as this late fifties lesbian pulp novel stereotype is known to do. Then all of a sudden she is shocked and scared when he tries to get it on with her? Get her drunk? Um, sneaking out in slutty clothes isn't what I would consider a turn off. I'm not going so far as to say she was asking for it, but I think subconsciously she was searching for excitement and distraction from her TRUE FEELINGS.

Sidebar note- Their weird brother Steven who is such a loser he comes home from college every weekend is dating a member of the proletariat- a working class family of alcoholic people who actually have sex. Oh NO!!!

No one, not even the illustrious Sweet Valley Wakefields, are as naively out to lunch as Jessica pretends to be. IT IS ALL AN ACT. I will present the gay evidence from Double Love, and look forward to presenting a complete profile by the end of this series that Jessica Wakefield is indeed a repressed lesbian that deserves outing!

Gay Points of Interest:
*On page two Jess is having her own wet dream, hovering her face an inch from Elizabeth's. It's strange because who hovers their face an inch from their sister's when they are sixteen?
"Only thing duller are my eyes. Look at that color Liz," She poked her face an inch from her sister's nose and fluttered long lashes"...
Since she is in love with herself she secretly physically longs for Elizabeth, if only Elizabeth could have a personality transplant. The whole moment feeds into my theory that this series started because Pascal had a lesbionic twin fetish.

*Elizabeth has a new outfit. It is a 'tuxedo', that we are told looks better on Jessica (of course!!! Overtly feminine women in tuxedos are soooo gay!!!)

*"Jessica felt a tiny twinge of panic. Why was Todd ignoring her? Had something happened to the Wakefield magic? Impossible! (their italics) She was still the most fantastic girl in school." Because of course it's about how fantastic she is, and has nothing to do with him. She is only interested in his status.

*Jessica is a classic tease, and if you learn anything from lesbian literature and movies (especially those made by non-gays) you learn that repressed emotionally unstable bipolar lesbians are always teases. She wants to be wild an out there with guys and have this big social status, but at the same time she is disgusted by hetero sex, so she pulls back. Believe me, it ain't 'cause she's so holier than thou that she's waiting till marriage.

*Some could question Elizabeth's description of the woman their dad is supposedly having an affair with as bi-curious, but I would say it's the author's lesbian tendencies showing.

*The "Class Clown Stereotype Who's not funny" Winston Egbert is in love with Jessica, and when he talks about Jessica, as Elizabeth says, his voice gets all serious. Because of course, according to contemporary sources, the class clown always goes for the repressed lesbian.

While I don't need any assistance to make this picture gay, my curiosity bubbles over when I see aspects of American culture that are obviously gay yet everyone walks around denying gaydom. By the way, don't these two look alike????




images courtesy of perezhilton.com and lwordonline.com

D&G (I don't need to gay up) in 2007

Dolce Gabanna 2007 Commercial
Uploaded by jaydelux352

More great ads of 2007

"Just the Ten of Us" or Why Barbie Made Me Gay part II

Did anybody else watch this show, Just the Ten of Us? It was a spin off from Growing Pains. It was never that good, especially when at the end of the second season the girls formed the 'Lubbock Babes' singing group and the show fell into a sleaze trap.
This program may have affected and/or added fuel to the flame of my queer barbies.(See the Barbie Made Me Gay Post) A family with SIX daughters? Come on. The show focused on the four older girls and their dad, this conservative catholic fat gym teacher who'd freak out if a guy even looked at one of them. He must have been happy when they all turned out gay! We had a TV in the basement, and I vaguely recall having this program on while we played with our barbies...
The show had everything I loved at that age- Blonde girls, California, ambigous repressed sexuality. Very SVH when you think about it! Simplistic airheads, nerds, and sluts. Oh, the memories of youth.


image curtesy of sitcomsonline.com

Good News on the SVH Front

I was able to order myself a copy of SVH volume one, for ONE PENNY plus shipping, so yippee! As soon as it arrives, you can bet I'll have one hell of a detailed review to post. I might not go in order after the first book, but I really wanted to get that good initial review out there to start us off. Yippee!!!

Pee-Wee's Holiday: The Hot Ticket

This was my great find. I got it for $3.99 at a Dollar General in rural South Carolina about three years ago. It made my collection. If you have not seen it yet, your holiday season isn't complete until you do.

There is no work involved in making this thing gay. Just watch Little Richard try to ice skate, see the actual Dinah Shore sing, KD Lang run around like Tobey Maguire in drag as Whoopi Goldberg yaks into a can of corn. Pee-Wee chats it up into a FRUIT COCKTAIL can.

For pete's sake, it opens with Pee-Wee surrounded by the Marines or something. I don't think they are the real thing... are they??? This program is a great example of how back before the 90s things could be so freaking GAY, and wonderfully so, and the gays don't get any of the credit. Everybody was happy to give them the credit when Pee-Man got busted, though.

NEVER too much Beyonce!!!

Too Much Beyonce?
Uploaded by apartment3b

I am posting my favorite videos of 2007. Check this, he is ADORABLE!!!

Lesbians in Riverdale! OMG!!!

I spent several dollars a month as a youth purchasing a comic book about two repressed lesbians fighting over a ginger kid who was a total tool. Like, fresh from the shed kind of tool. They are typical high school kids screwing around aimless. One of the two girls is spoiled and rich, but beautiful with black hair and a fashionable wardrobe. The other gal is down-to-earth, a wholesome middle American with blonde hair who dresses like the mom next door.
You guessed it, I loved me some Archies. Mostly I collected the Betty & Veronica series, which centered around the trials and tribulations of the repressed lovebirds. They never really fought with each other, and any debacles incurred over Archie were for comedic relief from the Betty and Veronica's sexual tension.
Again with the dolls, when I was eleven I ordered a set of Archie Dolls from the back of a comic. I had to trudge out in a blizzard to get the money order, and when they arrived, they were a lovely rubber (not plastic! No fabric!) A solid rubber set of dolls made of the same stuff as stretch armstrong.
With power of the Archies, the Asexual Jughead was left in the box, Reggie and Archie developed an oddly close relationship sitting in front of the television set, but Betty and Veronica? They never bickered anymore, unless it was Betty fake protesting the obnoxiously large gifts Veronica bestowed upon her.

Pine Valley Scandal

Bianca & Babe 4eva!!! I miss Bianca. The Show's gone to sh*t.

Pine Valley: Way Gay Before Bianca

Pine Valley was a homosexual town long before binks came out. For pete's sake, it had a GAY BAR. I watched this show from birth, as the womenfolk in my clan are ABC soap people. Old school soapers don't stray from their network. From Erica's gay assistants, to the utterly queer decor of the flimsy sets, All My Children is perhaps the gayest soap on television.
Bianca only made it more gay. My aunt bless her heart is perhaps the largest All My Children fan. When I was in the fourth grade, she turned me on to Susan Lucci haircare products (she's also a big QVC freak). I used the Lucci line in their black & red bottles until they ran out.
When they started the Big Gay Bianca plot line, to quote ABC's site, "Bianca felt smothered by Erica's mothering and it was clear something was weighing heavily on her mind." What the hell does that mean? She turned gay because her mother was smothering her since she was coming to terms with being gay?
Huh?
Bianca started hanging out with Rain, this homeless girl, and again I quote ABC, "they seemed to share an easy rapport, much more so than the snooty girls Bianca encountered at Pine Valley High. Leo escorted Bianca to the Halloween dance and Bianca was crushed when she heard her classmates call her weird. A teary Bianca then ran into Rain, who said she knew a place where Bianca would feel more comfortable."
I remember I was in my dorm room in undergrad (Go Blue!) working on an art project with All My Children in the background when I saw Bianca and Rain go to a GAY BAR in PINE VALLEY, but they are followed by Leo and Greenlee (you remember Leo?? The guy who could act and was funny (as far as soap acting goes?))
Using fake ID's Bianca pretended uncomfortability but she was loving it. I was all over the telephone calling everybody I knew. Hello! Gay bar on national TV! Granted, 'The Blue Angel' was a gay bar circa 1989, but what the hell, that's what made it hilarious. It was dark and dank, with slinky patrons drinking beer from the bottle, Melissa and KD blaring. I've been in many gay bars but none like Pine Valley's queer dive.
You never really saw it again because Bianca was one of those 'I'm too good for a working class small town lesbo bar in PA' sort of lesbians. The kind who wears forty dollar lipstick from her mother's cosmetic company. Leo and Greenlee spied on Bianca trailing her to the bar, and this is where ABC's site cracked my *ss up, "Greenlee was shocked to discover that Erica Kane's daughter was gay, but Leo was very tender and supportive of Bianca. Bianca feared Erica wouldn't love her if she learned she was gay and Leo promised to keep Bianca's secret." Gag.

Rick Steves Rocks

I just wanted to do a shoutout to my favorite PBS travel show host, Rick Steves. There's nothing particularly gay about the show, but I can still make it gay, because it's not anti-gay. In none of the episodes does Steves shy away from addressing gay tourists or destinations, and he is very neutral about presenting controversial places and histories. For example, in his holiday special, he doesn't shy away from telling the truth about most of our holiday traditions being lifted from the pagans.
On his blog, he has gotten alot of sh*t from folks for this, so I have to give him a positive review. In fact, my partner loves the show so much, I bought a few episodes as gifts. (This gift has already been given, so this post isn't ruining any surprises.
My only wish is that he would do more shows on Northern Europe. That's where we want to go next (Norway... Someday.)

image courtesy of ricksteves.com

#1 Double Love Out of Print

Well, here's the debacle. I thought it wouldn't be too hard to find a new copy to start my reviews, since my mother kindly sold all my childhood books at a garage sale for twenty-five cents apiece. All those hours of babysitting for nothing! Not a store in town carries the Sweet Valley books since they are out of print, and I am wary of Amazon, since two good friends had their credit information stolen from using independent sellers.

I am going on the hunt through my local used bookstores, so I will keep you posted. If any of my kindly readers would like to give me a copy, please contact me and I'd appreciate it! Meanwhile, life has gotten very interesting in the past few days. If you will recall, we were supposed to wait until next month for our appointment with the specialist, but there was a cancellation for today (thank god someone got knocked up!) so we go in today! Yippee!!!

image courtesy of amazon.com

What a fantastic site! SVH alert!!!

I just discovered this fabulous site that has inspired me to take my SVH obsession to new levels. The author of thedairyburger.com says her purpose, and I quote, is "To reread the entire series to relive my tween years, and also to get really angry at how SVH gave me a false and misguided view of high school life. And life in general. In fact, I blame all my insecurities, problems and worries on these books."

I think this is a fantastic idea. I am toying with rereading myself, not because I directly blame the books for anything, but rather, because I wish I could. They never set up false expectations, they set no expectations. Their lack of queer inclusion left a void that I had to fill with my own interpretation of what life could be like for me. The Sweet Valley High books made me fantasize about what relationships would be, completely thinking outside the box.

For me and my friends in school, these books were seen as fillers, trashy, not real novels, so I was embarrassed already to enjoy reading them. Then, to top it off, I was brutally embarrassed I was thinking about the characters in so-called perverted ways.

Hellfire, read my prior post, I still can't get these nitwits off my mind! One of my new goals is to reread each of the original SVH books and post on each one with my special way of Gaying Things Up! Ta-da! What do y'all think?

Keep a look out, this will happen as soon as I get my hands on the first issue of Double Love. Hmmmnnnn..... The title alone has possibilities!!!

LITTLE HOUSE LOVER

This was never a secret. From the time we first got our DVD player in 2003 (behind the times, I know, don't laugh) I started buying the Little House on the Prairie TV series on DVD.

We own every season now, and rewatch them only when my partner is forced inactive due to illness. I loved Little House. Mostly Pa, with his air of transgenderedness, (again- hairless chest, not girly, but with a coiffed 'do, close to gay but not enough. If I blurred my eyes, the perfect butch). I loved the lingering looks between Ma and Mrs. Olsen, or Ma and the new neighbor, or Ma and the lone female African-American cast member.

We had an above ground pool growing up in our split-level suburban enclave, and my mother hated the heat. She loathed to sweat in any form, and kept the house at a cool 68 degrees. We would go outside for an early swim, then come traipsing back in with wet towels in tow to sprawl out across the maroon carpet and watch TBS's 11am rerun of Little House.

As all good wasteful bratty suburban youths, we were more than adept at being cynical, masters of the art of making fun. My family loves to make fun. We could make fun of anybody, anywhere back then. My younger sis and I would spend a solid hour laughing our ass off at the Little House crew. Nothing was off limits, and my developing homo mind knew no boundaries.

Whether it was Laura's teeth, or the fact that Lindsay and Sidney while cute couldn't act for sh*t, watching Pa's face crestfallen as they singlehandedly screwed up emotional moments and refused to carry the torch. The giant Victorian dollhouse that sat in a field, starring as a wealthy woman's home Pa might be having an affair with, a blind school, and finally burning to the ground. Don't get me started on Pa's burly buddies who were always lurking by the 70s barn.

Almost every day we were in tears, rolling around, eating Ritz crackers from the box. To this day the combo of crumbs, wet towels, and fields of flowers mean one thing.

We were cruel, spotting wigs askew, fake snow, and unrealistic expectations a mile away. Our cynicism isn't something some may look fondly back on, my partner finds it disgusting since she grew up in farm country completely kind and sincere, but I still try to explain. Our mockery was out of love. It was the only sincerity to bond over. In a loud household, it was expected. We were simply exceeding expectations, as we always tried to do.

Popping in a new disc of Little House today, I will still tease and taunt, but the maliciousness has left replaced with an admiring longing to live in the Little House world. Not the real Little House World of back breaking labor, but the gentle town where little sheds on dirt piles are transformed into loving homes.

My partner (although this may be hotly denied) gets in on the act, showing me the proper way to be entertained by the program's hokey moments. We've even discovered how to laugh at the contemporary Little House, The L Word, where ridiculous things happen at the drop of a hat and characters disappear and reappear by the creator's will.

I wish I'd gone into TV Show Owning.

image courtesy of amazon.com