taking a break...

Okay, so I'm a big liar. I am not keeping up with this blog very well, all due to preggo. I've got a preggo blog going, and since I'm obsessed with finding out if I am pregnant (testing March 21) I'm not much good for anything else.

Sorry so Late!

I had about given up on this blog and a whole lot of other things lately, after our last IUI failed. Yes, another failed IUI. But we are trying again, and things are looking up. Ah, the eternal optimist. Dreams of Tiny kiddies still dance in our heads. My partner says we will keep on trying and I keep focused on that.

I was just going though one of those periods when I felt like a failure at everything, and reading SVH books doesn't help.

By the way, what's gotten me through today? Reading claudiasroom.blogspot.com, who writes the BEST reviews of Babysitters Club books. I read every single one of those bastards until I went to high school.

Okay, getting back into the swing of things isn't so bad.

SVH: Recap Volume 9 (Racing to the Projects)

This one was hard to get through. I don't know how I did it the first time, and actually liked it. I liked it then because it had Lila in it, and she was an old fave. Mostly because she had daddy issues (of course then nominating her for classic lesbian stereotype #2, no other man is good enough for me besides my daddy!) but now twenty years later it's total crap. The basic plot is that Roger Barrett has this mega unexplainable crush on Lila, but she'll never go for him because he shops at Walmart and works as a janitor. Apparently he has to support his family. Well, let me tell you kid, you could find jobs much more flexible and making more money a whole lot easier. But then nobody accused good ol'Rog of being the brightest crayon in this cracked up SVH box.
Well, getting past this boohoo, we sail into the big Jessica subplot. It seems that she starts off trying to be a big bad business gal and work in her daddy's office. She says she wants to be a lawyer for HRC someday, but nobody believes her. She thinks the world of law is all glamourous because all the lawyers in the valley look like ken dolls. Oh, and the two women lawyers look like they have fun too. Because it's all about the fun for jess.
So there's this big annual race, and the whole town goes big for it (in my hometown nobody went to track events, but what ev'). They've got a hardon because the winner of the big meet will get a scholarship to Sweet Valley College. Um, so there's a Sweet Valley College AND a Sweet Valley University? Just asking.
This book is so lame, the whole freaking thing is gay. Jessica goes for a younger guy who works across the hall at an ad agency who's only 15 (because we all know repressed lesbians love that young boy look).
Lila wants a piece of Roger when he wins the race in his STREET CLOTHES, but he has none of it, because although before Lila almost needed a restraining order on him he was stalking her so bad, now when she's all over him he goes for the hippie douche buddy of his, Olivia.
I hated this one so bad, I won't devote any more time to it. Seriously, read this book and you will weep over time lost.

Winoka meets Goonies

Last night my partner and I were continuing our Little House marathon, when I noticed something crazy. The cook who gets fired from the hotel the Ingalls are suddenly managing is played by none other than Mama Fratelli of the Goonies! What a small world. This show knocks me out. It's loaded with people you squint and recognize.
By the by, Little House jumps shark with Season Five. No joke. For some reason my partner can tolerate the newer ones better than the old, but I think it's because they are so outrageous.

SVH: Recap Volume 8 (Ball Breaker)

Okay, I will now announce I am going to be reviewing SVH out of order now, instead rereading what I can get my hands on. I picked up #8 Heart breaker for a dollar, and I was robbed.
This one stinks! I can't imagine what I thought the first time I read it. I don't need to work real hard on making it gay, either. My central thesis, that Jessica is a repressed lesbian of the worst stereotype is flourishing with each book reviewed. Her lack of compassion or real interest in men is well represented in Heart breaker, as she teases and taunts Bill who has a huge crush on her (really it's because of his dead ex-girlfriend who happens to look like Jessica).
Jessica has no interest in seeing him until 'quiet, shy' DeeDee Gordan comes on the scene wanting him. Then all of a sudden Jess is all over it. Because truly, it's all about the girls.
There's this lameass side plot about some old friend of Todd's who happens to be a mega hot model returning to SVH, and Elizabeth's afraid Todd will be all over that. Elizabeth, of course, knows not what she says, "Obligated? Jess, have you really looked at Patsy? (because a southern rural name is the best choice, Pascal) Can you imagine any guy feeling obligated to be nice to her?" The look on Jessica's face in this moment would have been priceless, because Jessica's absent reaction, and only half-interest in Elizabeth's plight suggests she can see Elizabeth's point quite clearly.
The main focus in this book is exploring what a good actress Jessica is. That's right, she is damn good. She can throw overemotional theatrics all day long, because she's acting 24/7!!!! She's playing the role of a straight woman, and not very well I might add.
I am a good feminist, but I feel bad for the guys Jessica dates. She blue balls them all, and as you will see in my review of Wrong Kind of Girl, she's a hypocrite about it. She teases them, leads them into thinking they have a chance, and then after a few chaste kisses (she seems to secretly loath the feel of a beard on her chin) kicks them to the curb.
Bill of course in this one looks like Luke Wilson, and it appears he has his acting abilities because when DeeDee's father comes to see them practice their play, he says he saw someone with immense talent perform, but at the time won't say who. It's all lame, but Jessica gets it hard thinking he's talking about her, which he should have been, but then again how many repressed good looking blondes does Hollywood need?
Lila, who's been blandorama lately, is all over Jess that she's the hottest thing ever. An entire giant side note, Elizabeth must know something's wrong with Jessica. That's why Elizabeth gets bent out of shape when Todd says something negative about her sister. Because they must all protect the precious from herself.
So much of this one is from the perspective of lame ass Bill that I found myself skimming ahead. Pascal sucks at writing from a male perspective, let me tell you. They all read like neutered dogs. Also, what's up with the Wakefield house? It's weird that the girls act like they are just renting rooms. I'm glad they've got chores, since unlike most sixteen year olds they are too lame to have jobs, but their parents just float in and out, never fixing dinner or doing anything more than staring blankly into space. When I picture a scene with the parents in it, they stand there like my old ken and barbie dolls.

It's Saturday, Confessions Time

Okay, I have had friends asking, when are you going to blog about Little House? And, to be honest, my partner and I have been running a marathon all month long (we are on disk three of season three) but I'm having trouble making it gay. Well, not really, it's very easy to make LHOP gay, but it's not as fun. I guess it's cause ... wiping a tear... I secretly love LHOP too much to tease it so publicly. So for now, it's SVH that's getting the treatment. I think I am also going to review some of my favorite books from my early teens, because thinking back, there were quite a few that didn't need any assistance in making them gay!

SVH: Recap Volume 4 (They Play Powerfully)

This is the MOST gay of all the covers, and confirms my theory that in fact Jessica is in love with herself through her twin sister Elizabeth. There is something playful in Elizabeth's expression, but Jessica is oddly serious, lips wet with desire... this cover reads as a porn magazine. I think subconsciously it did for me, two decades ago!
So here's the gay plot. If you recall in volume 3, Jessica was teasing Robin and leading her on, letting her do all her chores for her etc. Now if you didn't know this already, quite often very attractive repressed lesbians will take an 'ugly' under their wing, enjoying the female attention, without arousing any suspicion, because no decent looking girl would ever be involved with such an 'ugly'. (See ug/oh theory). Also, harassing and being cruel to an unfortunate would make Jessica feel better about herself because her inner soul is a hollow shell, so she gets great joy from seeing Robin suffer from the hazing process.
By the way, weirdoville with this whole sorority thing. I know there were exclusive clubs in high school, but never a sorority. That's in college, Pascal. But I see where she was going with this. How else could she set up a pattern of exclusivity other than the most snobby 'exclusive' cult, that of the sorority?
Of course, Robin is blinded by love, so she goes through with all these lame ass hazing stunts, like having to run around a track (egads!) and go to the beach in a bikini (I would NEVER have done this one- this is where Robin is a MORON). She finally catches on when Elizabeth of all people talks Bruce into taking Robin to the dance. Because she wasn't explicit enough that he actually had to be her date ALL night, he dumps her off with a QUEEN MARY (How freaking gay! Of all the fatty jokes, Queen Mary?!?) joke. So anyway, Robin finally catches on that they have been making fun of her, and Jessica has personally betrayed her.
Robin begins to act suicidal (Hello- gay teens are more likely to commit suicide! Serious subject!) because she was so into Jessica and feels betrayed. She should, Jessica freaking BLACKBALLS her. Hee hee, black ball.
Robin disappears to a fat camp, then returns running voluntarily around the track, and a day or two or more go by before Elizabeth notices that Robin has begun to loose weight.
Jess gets all furtive here, and I know they are trying to spin it that she feels guilty, but what most folks don't know is that she feels guilty because she got her kicks off the poor girl, and she's freaked out that Robin will blow her cover.
They'd always talked about what a pretty face Robin had, so when boom Robin's skinny (gee if it were only that easy) her ass is a hot ticket. Now I must say that Robin was an accidental gay with Jessica, as her 'ugly'. She is not gay, and now that she is attractive the world is her oyster, so to speak.
As SVH is the most screwball high school ever, they are having a beauty contest, and Jessica looses to Robin. Not because Robin told everybody Jess is gay, she didn't need to. Everybody has that sixth sense with these kinds of girls, and Jess is treated like a pariah for awhile, along with the rest of the sorority girls, not for their cruel hazing, but because of a BLACK BALL.
The side plot involves Lila. I never noticed how the first few books show very little of Lila. Of course, Lila has a daddy complex and is a shoplifter to get his attention. I won't say how many lesbians I met who were in this position in high school. The weird thing is, she gives all her loot to Jessica, who of course thinks Lila bought it all for her, because of course she thinks everybody's in love with her. Although it would be hot if they got together.
It is as if the 'Ugliness' of having an overweight character was too much to bear for the beautiful world of Sweet Valley. That's the only reason I can come up with as to why Pascal did what she did to Robin. Holly shit, according to the standards of Frannie at six feet tall and a size twenty I'd be a beast. This whole Power Play is truly a struggle between Elizabeth and Jessica, because the entire world revolves around them, even the life and death of a fattie.

Sad Day for Favorite TV Sets

When I was eighteen my parents dragged me to Disney World with them, at the time I wouldn't have minded going, but not with them as I was wretchedly going through the coming out process and my parents were wretchedly denying obvious gayness. When I saw the Golden Girls house on the backstage studio tour ride at Disney/MGM studios it was the highlight of the trip.
Sadly I just read somewhere that the house was among those destroyed in Summer 2003, as Disney bulldozed the homes of "Residential Street" to make room for its "Lights, Motors, Action!" attraction.

How lame is that.

Of course, my all time favorite set, the Little House on the Prairie set, burned during the California wildfires. Tragic, as I always wanted to go on a vacation to see the Little House in person.

Cabbage Creepout!

At work today I passed a brochure stand,I was knocked out to see a 'ticket to fun' brochure for Babyland. Anybody who owned a cabbage patch kid at one point or another will recall long ago before the internet 'Santa' would really have to hunt around to find one of these yarn-headed beauties.
There is an actual place called Babyland General Hospital Butt f*ck Georgia, where you can take the oath of adoption in person and tour the place, all kinds of crazy. Who the f*ck knew.

Mall Madness

Okay, so last Saturday I was so depressed after turning up not pregnant AGAIN, I went to run a few errands. My partner wanted a new pair of jeans, and for myself? I was on the hunt to purchase a new TV show. Every time I'm really down I buy a season of a favorite TV Show. As you may have read in a prior post, I ended up getting the Golden Girls.
Originally I was looking to get a season of Bernie Mac or Everybody Hates Chris, because I love these shows. I actually stepped foot in a mall to look for them. They were way overpriced, and I went with that $14.99 Golden Girls. So I am in a mall early in the morning with all the Walkers, pimply teenage boys, and the Elderly, who on a snowy day have nothing better to do, it was depressing.
It reminded me of a game I got when I turned eleven, during my big Babysitters Club craze. I never really got into the whole mall thing, but the game seemed fun at the time. Now I realize how much time was wasted in a black hole of mindless teenage girl black hole shopping frenzy. "Sale at the Shoe Store!" The game would yell.
What a load of consumerist crap!
Nothing like going to the mall to pick up your latest copy of SVH and BSC just to return home and play a game about being at the FREAKING MALL!!! It just makes me want to have a frozen coke and soft pretzel...

SVH: Recap Volume 3 (We Get Burned)

"It didn't take long to hear the sounds she dreaded hearing: the sounds of two people whispering breathlessly as the leaf-covered ground crackled under the weight of their bodies. Elizabeth stopped abruptly, hoping they hadn't heard the crunching sound of her own footsteps. She was eavesdropping on a passionate moment, and it made her uncomfortable. She started to flash back to last summer, when she had bounded into the Hershey bar only to find both Jessica and Lila with their swimsuits off. Later Jess claimed they were checking their tan lines, but still Elizabeth was left with the same queer feeling as she was right now. But what could she do? She had to save Jessica from herself."

Okay, so everybody knows that this is as racy as the ol' school SVH books get. Playing With Fire, ooooh the double entendre, as Jessica goes on a rampage of repressed teenage sexuality, hating herself so much she allows all sorts of awful domestic abuse to occur with the creepy Bruce Patman.
The more I reread about this S.O.B. the more I loathe his rapist ass. I think he's got the hots more for the guys on the tennis courts than he does for any woman, and that's why he treats them all like shit. I've met quite a few good looking rich gay men who betrayed a few Patman traits in their youth. Believe me, personal experience talking here. By the by, he's wearing lipstick. And Jessica's busting loose in a Target Brand pink t-shirt. Because Lila hasn't started stealing for her, yet.
My theory that straight women will eat their own is proudly on display here, as almost every attractive woman in Sweet Valley has dated this dickwad, yet none of them seem to learn from their mistakes, nor is he taken down in a wave of malicious gossip the way they would do a fellow female. You'd think his reputation would be hurt by raping and emotionally destroying simpleton Sweet Valley women, but instead it seems to be enhanced.

There are two other side plots, that of the 'Queen Mary' Robin who has got it bad for Jessica, and another plot about the Idiots, I mean the Droids, the only band this loser school hires for it's dances, because they deserve so much better than the DJ we always had.

I can't wait to review the next one, Power Play, that has major hot lesbian twin action on the cover, and is filled with interesting very Non-PC names for people who are overweight in it.

The conclusion is lame when she sees Bruce with another girl. She just throws pizza and soda at him and lets the air out of his tires. Gee, you've cheated, abused and practically raped me, but all I'm gonna do is let the air out of your tires. Sounds to me like she wanted to be rid of him... because we all know that your self-loathing homosexual cannot commit to people of the opposite sex for more than half a SVH novel.

Gay Points of Interest:
* Jessica thinks girls in cheerleading uniforms are hot
* She's way athletic which means of course she's a repressed gay.
* When she's making out with Bruce, it seems like Bruce is that last thing on her mind. She doesn't seem to be put-off by his sexual advances for any moral reasons, rather it's simply because he has a biological penis and this of course is not what she's really looking for.
* To 'impress' Bruce (or turn him off on purpose) Jessica goes to this store that sells clothes librarians in the 1940s wore. Librarians... Lesbian... Jessica!

Being a Golden Girl

My favorite television show as a child was the Golden Girls. I stayed up late to watch it, I followed it to Lifetime, and yesterday I purchased another season that was on sale for an amazing freaking $14.99.
I would sit two feet from the set on the floor, leaning back on my hands, to catch every single one of their jokes. Sure, I liked all those other crappy shows, but GOLDEN GIRLS ruled.
So last night while I was sewing new throw pillows I did a marathon and nothing can cheer a gal up like elderly sexy jokes, no kidding. The lesbian episode in the second season is tops, the one where Dorothy (of course it would be Dorothy) has an old friend from college who's a big ol' lesbo who's partner has died. Rose and the lesbian hook up, without rose realizing it, and every time I watch this one I think, 'I bet Dorothy wishes she'd hung around with this one a little more instead of marrying that loser'.
Another theme I love is when they interact with 'Young People'. Like when Blanche's grandson comes to visit and he's a punkass loser, or when Dorothy teaches a young giant douchebag Mario López how not to be a tool, but he's deported anyway.
And how about them early celeb appearances? Mario López, George Clooney, Arsenio Hall...
Rewatching the pilot, there was this character Coco at total stereotype of a gay man who was the ladies' cook, but they kicked him off the show after the pilot. Many of Sophia's famous zingers and one liners were originally written for Coco. I liked coco, but I think they were afraid to have a gay man on the TV, because in the pilot each time he spoke, the camera would actually move to another character. Also, he was constantly drifting off the set.
The Golden is getting me through.

Depression....

This round didn't take. Aunt Flo knocked on my door this morning, after being five days late. I have never been more than a day late so you can imagine how pregnant I was feeling. I would have felt more pregnant if I hadn't had a blood test two days ago to confirm the fact I was not pregnant. Since my period was so late, and the pee sticks were coming up negative, they had me go in and spend 64 dollars just to be certain (and so I wouldn't drive everybody crazy any longer).
Sonofabitch.
We will try again of course but in the meantime here I am with these freaking cramps FROM HELL!!!!!!!!!
and we have no baby yet.
I know it will happen, but I just can't believe I have this label of infertility now. It's killing me. Goofy teenagers fooling around in a backseat turn up pregnant, and I have verifiable two eggs and a bucket of top quality sperm in the same womb at the same time for like twelve hours, and I can't get pregnant.
Sonofabitch.

Gay.

'Nuff said.







images courtesy of dlisted.com

SVH: Recap Volume 2 (The REAL Secrets)

"I am telling you, Enid is a lesbo. No, really!... How do I know?" Jessica pauses to wrap the thick cord between her fingers, panicked, "I just do. I can sense these things."
Jessica's face goes white, "How dare you say that about me!" Her blue-green eyes begin to flash, flipping her hair over her shoulder, "Well, KD is kinda cute...."
"Jess!?" Elizabeth gasped.

This is how Volume 2, Secrets, begins if you are very skilled at deciphering code.
The second book in the series, they were just getting started. Here's some gay key points:
Enid went to Juvenile Hall in her youth, (because she's an old hag now) and had herself the biggest, stoniest butch lover, who was best friends with the guy George who got her busted in the first place.
The greatest irony is that this is not the big source of gossip. The big source of gossip is the fact that Enid's been writing letters with George to keep tabs on her Butch Lover, who moved to NYC when she got out and is now working as a bouncer. Because everybody in this school gives two shits that the girl with the ugly name gets paper letters.
The real reason people are talking of course is because they all know that Ronnie is an abusive SOB who will beat the shit out of her for talking to other guys, and they've got alot of money riding on whether or not it'll be both arms this time.
Now of course it is Jessica who outs Enid (see above conversation) because... because why? Because she thinks if everybody finds out about Enid's gayness it will deflect on her own. She wants to be Queen of the dance, and figures if she knocks this dork Enid who wouldn't even be nominated if it weren't a consolation prize for taking her share of the domestic violence pie, she can be queen... with Bruce.
Bruce Patman of course is the PERFECT cover boyfriend, and Jessica's been yanking it some time to get with him. He's got money, he's abusive too, and she will have to stay at home alot of nights to wait for him to call (avoiding unnecessary hetero social activity).
Now hypocrite Elizabeth of course ruins her plans because she goes around spreading a rumor that Jessica really wants to get with Winston, and everybody should vote for Winston. Again, this rumor-mongrel of a gal holds some mystical power over everybody and gets them to do it. Jessica is furious, not because Winston's a bad guy, but he's not the magic BRUCE... I mean, Jessica knows if she's stuck with Winston her cover will be busted for sure because he's a mostly normal guy and he's expect her to act like a normal girl. Whereas with Bruce, she knows he'll treat her like shit and she doesn't have to get to close.
Gay Highlights:
*The book opens as Jessica gets her dress zipped up by Cara, for some reason they were naked together. Jessica's whining about being thrown into the pool in the last book, and Cara tells her how cute she was.
*Elizabeth and Enid share a bed
*Jessica finds herself under the scrutiny of MS. Dalton, a tall slender woman in her twenties whose wide set hazel eyes regarded her with 'knowing amusement', as all lesbians know each other.

Life as a Sweet Valley High Writer

Have you ever seen the episode of South Park, when the boys discover who the real writers of Family Guy are? We are closet South Park fans, and this particular number had us laughing our assets off! The whole show has this long and convoluted plotline, but the basic point is that the writers for Family Guy are MANATEES. That's right, they are not human. The mammals live in a large tank swimming to one side to pick up "idea balls" and put them into a hole on the other side. Each ball has the name of a person, a verb, or a pop-culture reference written on them. When the balls travel down a shaft, a group of five of them forms a Family Guy joke.

I dislike Family Guy very much, thank-you, but I think the South Park guys stole the MANATEE idea from Sweet Valley High!!! Only, it's not manatees writing SVH, it's a lazy sexed up house cat. The writers go to a back alley somewhere and meet an overweight lazy cat.

Just kidding, I don't think it's as professional as all that. I am just finishing volume two, and to be honest, I have absolutely no clear idea how I ever read these books to begin with. They are shit. If you cut out the same descriptive bull that is in each of them (Blonde, blue-eyed bullshit)there's only about twelve pages left, no kidding. The same tired ass descriptions of loser Enid in each book, I guess they figured we learned by repetition. Besides, it's easier to get a cat to cough up twelve pages...


image courtesy of simonsays.com

Ikea, My Love

We adore Ikea. We are making a pillgrimage rather soon, as a matter of fact. It looks like somebody else loves them as much as we do. Comedian (this label is in question, though this idea was nifty) Mark Malkoff asked IKEA if he could live in a room in a New Jersey store for a week while his real apartment was being fumigated. Who doesn't love those seamless moving images on the Ikea website that show organized hip living spaces.
Oh
I love Ikea. I can believe they said yes, because they are a cool store. If I had to pick a store to live in, it would be Ikea. Well, I'd have to bring my own eats, because of the whole celiac thing, but it'd be all good. The problem is that I'd want to take the furniture with me when I left.

Preggo Update

So I had my bloodwork done yesterday, and I DID ovulate this time with a progestrone number of 27. Is this good or bad I do not know. I was told this cannot predict pregnancy, so I still have to wait until wednesday to test (if I don't start my period beforehand- I am due between today and tuesday). Wish me Luck!!!