Barbie Made Me Gay

Not how you think, grab your mind back from the gutter. It was the fact that her genitals were made from a plastic mold. Everything was ambiguous and nothing could be pinned down. Most of the kids I knew had a dozen barbies and maybe two Kens.

Kens, while rare, were not the focal commodity. They were extras, sidebar notes. My sister and I both had Barbie houses side by side. (I have told you before we were spoiled). They were the Sears Magnificent Fashion Mansion in shades of orange, pink and tan. The image above is from the 1985 Sears Book where you could purchase one of these beauties for a cool $49.95. Three rectangle rooms on top of three rectangle rooms. My dad worked with carpet, so he got us each our own 4'x3' scrap of carpet, in two different shades of blue-green. We set the homes up so that each of our 'properties' had a driveway. The homes backed up against the lovely grey cement wall of our basement. The models varied, but we later choose to recover the furniture when I had my sewing elective in junior high. Yes, I played with Barbies until I was in the ninth grade. My cool factor shoots even higher.

Various additions were made over time as my Barbie family became an orgiastic uncontrolled phenomenon. I used the 1987 Grandma Heart as the dad, and the 1987Grandma Heart as the mom. This was due to the wide age range of their children. I needed distinguished looking parental units. Depending upon loss or damage they had 7-10 children, all girls except for the Heart Family baby boy. The family grew so large I had to add a bedroom off the family room next to the driveway.

'The Girls' are what I called my 17, 16, 15, and 14 year old dolls. With a skipper and Stacey age daughter and the baby boy & girl twins, they were All American. They'd ride around in my Barbie Ferrari abstractly going on dates that never transpired with Kens left behind in the doll bin. My seventeen year old wore her off the shoulder striped shirt she'd gotten from my Jem doll, and she was always the driver. The Blonde Girls were cool staying out late kissing nameless Midges on the basement stairs also known as the mountain outside of town. They got alot of action. I just didn't know what to call this wonderful life with so many women.

I still get the same quivery feeling when I think back on how sexy I was with those silly plastic dolls. When my mother would open the basement door it was amazing how fast they fell off the cliff. I knew what I was doing was outside the box, I just didn't know the dolls I got were big ol' gays.


image courtesy of wishbookweb.com